Taking Control

Following on from my last post, you'll be happy to hear that I've gained control...I don't quite know how, but the out of control bit has settled down and I've decided to rejoin Slimming World after a break of almost a year.  I thought something more structured would help especially the support group and weekly weigh in aspect as I've lost my monthly surgery support group which has stopped running due to such low attendance rates.

The SW group meets on Tuesday evenings and from Monday I've felt as though I'm back in the saddle and not the demon of food and wine.  My appetite has been rediculous lately, I'm hungry an hour and a half after eating which isn't right, I suspect it's caused by my recent overeating and I'm sure it will settle down once I get myself used to more healthy eating patterns.  I'm not going to go in for a fill because I otherwise have very good restriction and really would not want to be any tighter.

I have found in the past that when I do lots of cooking from scratch using the healthy recipes from the SW magazines I am more successful...the difficulty is the time consuming nature of all this fabulous cooking and the fact that my youngest son has a real issue with many many types of food and I usually end up cooking two meals! I'm not going to think negatively though, it won't get me anywhere.

I've already lost a couple of pounds so I'm sure I'll be rewarded next Tuesday on the scale.

I know there will be those who will be wondering if I've told the group about my band...the answer is no.  Some people I'm sure will feel this is wrong, but I don't agree and here are my reasons:

a) This is a public class, open to anyone.  Ya pays your money, you get to do the programme...nowhere does it specify you must bear your soul to a room full of total strangers.

b) Each person is on their own journey and must do there own work to lose weight.  The programme works as long as you follow it and if people don't lose weight they normally know why.  My weight loss is always slow and steady (even with the band), so I won't be losing any faster than anyone else who sticks to the rules.

c) When others lose weight in class it is motivating and inspiring, not depressing and demoralising...that's the whole point of the 'support group' to motivate one another and be encouraged by the success of others, so if I am successful it should encourage rather than discourage others.  The fact that I have extra support in the form of a medical appetite suppresant is irrelevant and doesn't negatively effect anyone else in the group.  I won't be spouting on about how I do this and that and how easy it is...so no-one will think 'Why does she find it easy when I'm finding it hard?'...as if any kind of diet is easy anyway...even with the band!  I love chocolate, crisps and wine just as much as the next obese person and all those slide on down past the band with no trouble at all...so it still requires some self-discipline and will power to lose weight, if that weren't the case the band would have a MUCH higher success rate!

I know this probably came off as some kind of lecture or rant...it's just that over the months since I've been reading posts & blogs about banding I've read a lot of comments on how going to slimming classes with the band is cheating and somehow hurting others unless you tell them all up front...you may have guessed that I don't agree with this take on things... These classes are for anyone who needs to lose weight and are not a competition.  Everyone who is overweight struggles to lose it and we need to access whatever support we feel will help us. End of Lecture...P.S. I'm always happy for people to disagree with me as long as they are respectful of my opinion, so I'm stating my case, but not trying to shove it down your throat. :0)...would you like fries with that?

Catching up with you all

Hi Guys,

I hope all the BOOBS are having a wonderful time at this weekend...I wish I could be there. 

I haven't been keeping you all up to date with my progress because, to be honest there has been no progress of the scale variety...that is no-ones fault but my own i know...I have been behaving like a complete fool and eating in a way not conducive to weight loss.  The reason is mental and I can't seem to conquer the mental issues and refocus on losing weight.  I know I am finding it very difficult at the moment as I'm working longer hours, my eldest son has just started at an expensive private school and for the first time ever he has homework every night and expected to be responsible for himself.  To be completely honest with you he is a very bright boy...but he is a very lazy boy!  I spend every evening nagging him to start his homework and chasing him around to ensure he's ready for the next day along with all my regular jobs looking after my family, plus getting up an hour earlier to get my son on his school bus.  I know a lot of people seem to find this transition easy, but I tend to find all change difficult and stressful.  I honestly do feel a little out of control...

On the plus side, I do have to acknowledge the successes, mainly as a result of having the band and actually this proves the very reason that I decided the band was right for me...My recent pattern was to lose weight and then to gain weight...unfortunately the overall trend was up!!!  The battle was getting old!!!  The wonderful thing about having the band (although I am far from happy with what I see as my abuse of it!) is the fact that when I go through my 'mental' phases and overeat, I can maintain my weight rather than rapidly gaining.  This is due to the fact that I can not eat the same large quantities.  Also, I've been focusing on gradually increasing my exercise again, which had dropped off during the work I was putting in to get our house ready for the market.  It is hard to get back into doing the exercise again once you make the mistake of stopping...I actually felt scared to do it...like I didn't believe I could! So I've slowly stepped it up and I'm now doing something about 4 times a week.  I'm planning on adding in some exercise dvd's and also gym classes...I do love it once I'm doing it.

The other good thing that I've noticed is that by just maintaining this weight, and doing some exercise my body shape is actually to my surprise improving! I know that's weird, but I have purchased two new pairs of trousers for work which didn't fit me enough to start wearing and last Saturday night I actually wore a pair out...the tighter pair!!!! I hadn't lost any pounds and yet they were a waay better fit. 

I'm not being complacent, I know I'm letting myself down by not putting the effort in and I need to find a way to combat the mental challenges that come with losing weight...but it is nice to see that even by maintaining my weight I can improve my body if I keep up some exercise. My goal there is to get back to loving exercise as I once did when I was fit...and doing it every day...because I CAN. I'm lucky, I don't have as much to lose as some people so I have the luxury of being able to take the scenic route (just as well), but to be honest as I've gotten to know all of you guys, I feel that I'm dishonouring the effort that you are putting in, by not giving it my all.

That is why I've been too ashamed to confess my transgressions here on my blog...also, by confessing, it puts pressure on me to change...I can't confess and continue to fail, it's too pathetic.

I don't usually pray anymore...it's been several years since I prayed with any regularity...but today I prayed to God to ask Him to help me gain control of myself and my eating decisions...it actually helped I think even though I was sitting in the middle of an open plan office at the time so concentration was a little more effort.  I need to find the key to gaining better control over my subconscious in order to achieve my goals...it's really a big mental game we're all playing.

Wish me luck people as I wish it for you.  xx

Big School

I think I mentioned recently that my eldest child started high school yesterday.  It was a really big deal.  we'd agonised over what to do for the best and eventually decided to send him private which is costing a small fortune and takes him away from his primary school friendship groups.

We've changed our minds ten times over the last year about where to send him.  He's bright, but likes to be cool and I was worried based on my own high school experience that this could be a real road block.  He had to pass an entrance exam and an interview and was accepted into the best school in the area I believe and it seems such a positive place, that I feel really excited about what it can offer him and what it can do to develop the best side of him.

When he came home from his first day yesterday he was very very quiet and very very tired.  I think he was daunted by the newness, the size, the number of pupils and the expectations placed on them.  But he set off this morning for his first morning on the bus in a positive frame of mind and came home much more energetic and positive.  More prepared to describe his experiences at school.  I was a bit stunned by some things, but also pleased.  Manners are expected at this school!!! In fact a high value is placed on them??? Who'd have thought...teenagers with manners???  That makes me really happy. My son told me he thought he might have to get in quick at his next English lesson and apologise to his teacher for not tucking in his chair at the end of the lesson to pre-empt getting told off...also, he said his history teacher expected them to wait to be invited to sit down at the start of the lesson...I know this may sound a little drackonian...but in this day and age of teenagers with no sense of manners it is quite wonderful I think.  Also, they are expected to wear blazers at all times, except in lessons where they can hang them on the back of their chairs.  Raising galant young men I'd say!

He was desperate to attend the first rugby pre-season session tomorrow (Saturday) and I've spent the day running around trying to get his rugby boots (black) with kite marked safety studs! and his reversible games top which is imported from Pakistan and is delayed due to the highly inconvenient floods! I was fortunately able to convince him  that the top was unlikely now to arrive in time for next weeks session either and to not go based on it not being available was not a good plan and I'm pleased that his need to fit in has taken second place to his desire to take part...result!

It has been a pretty emotional week for me I have to admit and this morning when I saw him off on the bus for the first time did make me shed a tear.  He was so nervous and had no clue what to do as he'd never caught a bus in his memory...never mind on his own...also, he didn't want to be seen with me so I had to sit on a bench seat several feet from the bus stop and pretend not to know him....but it was all worth it once he was confidently seated on the bus and gave me a lovely smile from his seat. Aaawww, reminds me of Toy Story 3 which I streamed with tears through!

Okay, it's nearly 1am and I've just spent an hour trying to upload a fully uniformed photo from a bluetoothed zip file...wouldn't have a bloody clue...will add the photo when I get the idea...In the meantime I'm going to bed...I'm supposed to be at Rubgy by 9am and at swimming with my youngest by 10 am about a half hours distance appart...might have to envoke the spirit of the husband to take over the dual role post... that should work....Ihope you all have a joyous weekend...ours has definately picked up weather wise...just in time for the kids to go back to school...

Oooh Too Deep

I hope I didn't scare you guys off with my last post...it was very late at night...you know how that can be.

I do feel like I need to get some deeper meaning into my life...but I'm not sure at the moment whether this is a chemical thing that needs treating (I have suffered with depression in the past and took meds for a couple of years), or a life challenge that's missing.  Although having my own business was bloody hard and stressful, it was incredibly rewarding and I loved being my own boss and calling the shots and I was incredibly proud of what I'd achieved.  I think this could be why my work now just doesn't cut it.  It feels totally pointless...is this it? Is this why I get up  in the morning? To push paper for someone else? Obviously raising my boys is a very important focus, but the way I've been feeling, I ask myself 'am I raising my boys so that they too can run the treadmill of pointlessness? Wow it sounds gloomy inside my head doesn't it?

Lately I just can't be bothered to put myself out at work and really achieve to my potential...but that just so isn't me that I think that may be what's been making me unhappy...the trouble is now, I'm so much wiser as to the stress of being a business owner that I'd be very wary of doing something like that again.

My eldest starts high school tomorrow and my youngest is back at school next Wednesday.  I'm going to have a little plan to get some more exercise and keep busy in the evenings once things get back into a routine, that's the time that I find the most tricky and maybe I'll find that helps  Also, I'm going to have a think about what I could do career wise that I may find more rewarding. 

Anyway, thanks for listening.  I know it's not the most inspiring topic, but it helps to discuss these things. xx