The Meaning of Life

I've been following Chris's blog for a few months now ('A Deliberate Life') and I always find it to be thought provoking and very meaningful.  I don't know how she does it to be honest...she's busy, but she always finds the time to think and to share something of meaning...

Tonight I was catching up with the last weeks posts and I felt a great appreciation for her insights, but then when I read her most recent post and played the clip I found it really was timely for me in my life and it resonated also with our weight loss journeys.

Firstly her post was religious in nature...now I'm hideously cynical...especially around religious evangelism...do not come to my door preaching, or accost me in the street...I'll be polite always, and respect your views, but I have barriers erected to your message.  It's probably only that I have a lot of respect for Chris and her non-judgemental approach to life that I could lower my barriers so much.

I saw a man in the street this weekend with a huge sign saying basically 'the end is nigh' I walked the long way around him, even though in the back of my mind I agreed with his message that we should be ready and always live our lives as though the end was nigh, basically getting our priorities right and being the best human being we can be.

I was brought up as a strict Catholic.  I went to church every Sunday, I read at mass regularly and was involved in my parish.  It wasn't until I reached my 20's that I started to question the doctrines laid down and decided that many of the rules were arbitrarily laid down by an evolving church based on money and power across medieval times and someone who couldn't see into my heart was judging me by these very ridgid and often socially inappropriate rules.

It wasn't that I stopped believing in God, but I did feel that I just wasn't sure anymore what to believe in.

For years I haven't practiced any structured faith system. I've gotten along just fine, thank you very much.

But, for the last few years I've felt a hole...something is missing and I couldn't work out what it was. I had my  own business for a few years and that was great, but the stress was killing me so I sold it on.  Following that I was definately empty and nothing has materialised to fill that void.  Eventually I got a job to make me forget that I was empty...that has worked for a couple of years...kind of.  But lately I've been feeling sad.  Why?  I don't know.  I shouldn't be sad.  I have 'a great life'.  A wonderful husband, two wonderful boys, a job, a great house, two great cars, a farm house to do up.  All I could think of was ways to strive for more stuff....this must be it right???  No...it means nothing...it's all hollow and empty.  All the good stuff means nothing. My brain has been gradually coming to the realisation that all the physical stuff is worthless and our lives mean nothing if that's all we achieve.  I can't say I've yet decided what to do about these scary thoughts...in fact that's why I related them back to dieting and weight loss...We go to the doctor, we read the literature about the health risks of obesity, but we don't want to compute what this may mean to our lives...the discomfort of making changes...making sacrifices and making effort to change.  UUUuuuugggghhh.  That's just plain scary and it's a message we may not be ready or willing to hear.

I listened to the clip of the preacher that Chris had posted on her blog and tears were streaming unconsciously down my face.  I normally would block that kind of thing as extremist clap-trap. But this time I realised it was true.  We should feel passionate about our love of God and our love of our fellow man and our need to do right in the world.  Not luke-warm...but passionate.  This was uncomfortable stuff to hear...because I knew it was right and I had known it ever since I had my first son.  He was a tiny baby in my arms and I watched the footage of the famines in Africa...mothers unable to feed their own babies and I felt true guilt.  How could I sit there and watch that kind of suffering whilst I had money in the bank and do nothing.  It was just plain wrong!  It's wrong whether you believe in God or not...we should have passion for other human beings.

The clip said that 'God is not a yuppie accessory' He's not something to add to your already perfect life once you have the right house, car and job...those things are meaningless.

I'm not saying I'm going to ditch those things and become a missionary...heck by next Sunday I'll probably have managed to push those uncomfortable thoughts aside in my busy day...but it made me think today...and it added to the thought I had yesterday.  I even had a discussion with a colleague at work about how we can make our lives more meaningful just last week.  The fact is at the moment, I'm just not ready to make any real changes to my life. I'm still in the denial stage...like the people who go to see their doctor complaining about their weight, but full of excuses about why they can't possibly do anything to change it...food for thought.

185

Well...I needed to share with you that I've seen a new low on the scale this morning...it's all good. I'm now 8lbs from the lowest weight I got to with Slimming World at least three years ago...so that's definately going to be a significant milestone for me when I get there. :0)

I get so much out of this

I just wanted to say how much I get out of this experience of blogging.  It's so inclusive and open which in the real world is very rare.  I am very open and honest in my relationships, I often speak before I think because I'm honest and up front and sometimes I don't think about how what I say may be perceived by the more strategically aware folks and many times I feel this leads to my being judged by others. 

Here all I feel is supported and embraced.  I love that.  We all have certain common ground where we can come together and share our secret lives, that which we usually cover up with a veil of publicly acceptable veneer.  No-one really wants to hear that you are going slowly mad when they politely ask 'How are you?'

I just wanted to let you all know that the time you spend reading and commenting on my blog means a lot to me and has a really positive impact on my daily life...sometimes we don't let people know enough how much their input means to us.  So, thanks guys. xx

WOW...I got an award...so exciting.

Thanks to Kerri from Just Me and My Band for this lovely, thoughtful award. It's my very first one so I'm pretty impressed.

Here are the rules for this award:

1.Thank the person giving the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

1. I was born in Papua New Guinea and lived there till I was around 4 years old. I’ve never even been back for a visit...it’s definitely on my ‘bucket list’.

2. I have two little boys, one 9 and one 11 just starting high school in September...they are both completely different and both completely wonderful.

3. My father is an alcoholic who no longer drinks...he gave up about 9 years ago, but it definitely defined my childhood...a post for another time.

4. I am the eldest of three sisters.

5. Last year my middle sisters youngest son was run over and has lost the sight in one eye. :0( He’s adjusted better than his poor mum.

6. We’re just in the process of purchasing a dilapidated farm house on 20 acres and will have our hands full making it some kind of home over the next year or two. We should complete on it this month...fingers crossed.

7. I’m going back to Australia for a two week visit on my own in November to spend time with my family. We can’t afford to all go unfortunately this year, but I haven’t seen my family since the accident last year and it’s well overdue. Can’t wait to see my niece and nephews and my lovely sisters and mum and dad too. Miss them. :0(

I am passing on this award to the following 15 amazing bloggers...I'm not sticking entirely to the rules as they're not necessaril 'new' blogs, but I'm picking some of the bloggers that have inspired me on some level. Hope that's okay.

1. Yvonne, My Journey Back to Life She's done so well with her band and has just had a baby and is now trying to get her bandit mojo back and get back into her journey. 
2. Barbara, My New Life Rules!! A great person who always puts so much support out there for everyone
3. TracyZ, One Foodie's Band Quest Tracy's a really supportive blogger who shares a lot about herself in a very generous way.
4.Sandy-Lee, The Weightloss Rollercoaster Sandy's super suportive and has done some great posts recently that I think many can relate to.
5.Sally, Sally's Lapband Journey Sally's two years out and is at goal now and maintaining. She's a great example of a successful bandster and gives lots of good advice on how she got there and perhaps even more important...how she stays there.
6.A-Z, Words of Weight A new bandster and a new blogger. I love her take on things, I could really relate to what she was saying and her last post made me smile.
7.Sherry, Two Sticks or a Lighter Sherry needs an award for her blog title alone. I only just found out exactly what it means...'weightloss surgery is like giving someone a lighter instead of two sticks to rub together' beautiful! Plus she's a witty, insightful and entertaining writer.
8.Lori, Journey to Embrace A straight talking common sense girl who is really supportive.
9.Alison Alison's Banded Adventures Always offering support, thanks Alison
10.Amanda, Deep Fried Pandaisms Really glad you've got your date! Whoop Whoop
11. Cheeseburger Girl, Can't resist that title...& the 'check out these buns' te he he.
12.Work in Progress  Gives loads of support to others.
13.Gilly, Something, Something, Something Fat Chick Irreverently funny, witty and clever...what more can I say?
14. Grace, Grace's Fat Chance Full of empathy and support for others, a good writer who shares of herself fully.
15.Ameyinidaho, Does This Donut Make My Butt Look Big? Amy shares tons of good stuff about herself and it makes a rip-roaring read. She's also very supportive to her bloggy buddies.

There are so many great supportive bloggers out there who I really enjoy getting to know...I really could have given each and every one of you guys an award.

Keeping on track

Feeling pretty good today. I really can't get much down early in the day, which is fine, I'm not fighting it.  My weight is slowly dropping on the scales and that's a great reward. 

I'm happy eating really small portions and I'm listening to my appetite more which is what I was hoping to achieve and learning to take things much slower.  A very small amount on the fork and then chewing much more thoroughly than I was.

I'm also finding catching up on blogs of an evening is distracting me really well from any snacking or any feelings of dissatisfaction. I'm pretty hormonal at the moment so my state of mind leans toward the grumpy, argumentative, glass half empty at these times so the distraction is really really welcome.  Can't wait to get past it and move on.

Can I just add that the weather here is super-shitty and cold as hell and raining non-F***ing stop...it's July for goodness sake!!! Were's my frickin' sunshine a**hat???  Did I mention I was hormonal?

I'm currently locked out of CareBear Land for using bad language...

Reporting in following my recent fill...

Hi guys,

I've been so busy trying to catch up on everyone's blogs that I haven't really allowed time to keep in touch with you...I've never fully caught up since my holiday, but I refuse to mark any as read that I haven't actually read in case I miss something crucial...of course along the way people give shout outs to new blogs that I simply have to check out and then they are alway so good I have to follow them...you see the mess I'm getting into.  Don't worry...I'm finally winning the war and last night when I came home all fed up and bored and wished I could gorge myself or drink a bottle of wine as a pick me up I read blogs instead and it wasn't too long before I was feeling full of the joys of Spring. Thanks for that.

I recently had a fill as you may remember...this was the fill which was supposed to turn my attitude around, give me a kick in the pants and get me back on track.  Well it has worked pretty well. I'm feeling pretty motivated at the moment. The fill is SUPER-TIGHT...which I like. I need it as a less obtrusive wired-jaw type device at the moment. I know, sounds bad.  I know many of you would just hate that, but I just really feel I need it at the moment.  I can explain it as being like a reverse Pavlovian response.  Remember the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa sets up a school experiment where she wires up a cupcake to an electric circuit so the every time Bart tries to take it he gets an electric shock?

 I'm a bit like Bart at the moment and I believe this fill will help me change that.  I don't know what it is but because I don't feel restricted unless I actually eat...I just seem to forget that I have it.    I'm trying to make my eating much more conscious and believe me being tight helps me do that.   I need to learn to automatically dish out smaller portions, automatically stop trying to eat foods like bread that I just can't eat. It takes a long, long treck to change the habits of a life-time and my subconscious can't yet quite accept that things have changed...Get used to it brain!

I really needed to kick that interminable plateau.  I eat for enjoyment a lot of the time and was often eating because something looked pretty tasty rather than because I was hungry, (Gee why was I stuck in a plateau?).  Well now eating is such a chore that I may soon get the hint that IT ISN'T A PLEASURE, SO DON'T BOTHER UNLESS YOU'RE FREAKIN' HUNGRY! Also I fill up so quickly now that I'm actually learning NOT TO PICK WHILST I PREPARE THE FOOD, because otherwise I'm already full before I put any on the plate.  If I can make these good behaviours habits and stop constantly thinking of food when I'm not hungry then I won't even need to be so tight forever.

My long-term plan is to lose the weight whilst I gradually make exercise a regular part of my life, (better get back onto that bit) and then once I'm where I want to be, loosen off the restriction a bit so that I don't get stuck and pb, but that my portion needs are still very reduced. This will mean a very normal life and maintenance for always.  Of course I'll have to monitor my weight and make the odd correction, but it should be so much easier.

I think a big part of my inability to remotivate following my holiday was caused by missing my support group in June and that always sent me away motivated. July was the last support group though as the group was poorly attended so they decided to do an online one instead.  I had a think about what this would mean for me and since I have a years aftercare included in my package I asked if I could come in monthly to weigh in and have a chat.  The NP said of course and made me an appointment for August.  I wish I'd thought of that before because I think that type of contact with the hospital and accountability makes me much more motivated than if I do it all myself from home.  I now have in my mind that appointment date as a mini-goal to try and impress her with my progress.  I'm not going to set an amount to lose as this actually increases my self-sabotaging behaviour...I'm a psychological minefield aren't I???

Anyway the kids have started their summer holidays now and I don't have anymore social events coming up to trip me up, or holidays away (I don't count camping in a tent), so I'm really planning to make a bit of a dent in the weight loss this month and when the kids start back at school I want my clothes to feel that bit looser. 7lbs for August'd be nice. Yeah...I think SO! Happy Hump Day everyone! xx