The Aftermath...

Well, since coming back from my holiday I haven't been able to convince myself that the holiday is OVER! The sun has been shining here and my garden is looking beautiful...just filled with flowers and all I want to do when I get home from work is sit out in the last of the afternoon sunshine with a glass of wine and chat with my hubby...trouble is this is baaad for calories as it usually ends up at half a bottle rather than one glass and it makes me snack at night which I don't normally have a problem with.  As a result I'm up 5lbs from my lowest weight (2 of them went on before my holiday) and the other 3 in the two weeks since I got back.  I haven't been game to weigh myself since I knew it would be bad news, but this morning I decided it was time to face the music.  I knew I'd gained as I could literally see it on myself.  Anyway it gave me the kick up the butt I needed to get back on track.

On the plus side, I have been pretty good at exercising this past week and I've been out for a long walk, been to the gym twice, played tennis and taken a spinning class...but it's not going to work if I'm swilling copious amounts of wine and scoffing rubbish along with it!

Today I've been super good and had a protein shake a couple of chicken breast kebabs (the on a stick kind) a pear and I'm making veggie stir-fry with beef strips for tea.  I've pulled out a diet magazine with lots of great healthy recipes in it and I'm going to try and meal plan this week.  I've not been eating anywhere near enough vegetables lately that is for certain!

Also, since I had the surgery and had been eating soooo healthily my fingernails had gotten really strong and were growing out of control and not breaking, but now they are dry and brittle and cracking up...sure sign something's amiss.

I hope I can maintain the momentum for at least a month and get another good slab of weight off before I lose my way again...I do know myself...the good thing this time is that the band means any weight gain is minimal during my out of control phases...usually the damage would have been far, far more severe!

I hope you're all having a lovely relaxing weekend...I'm going to try and catch up on my blog reading now whilst the tea is in the cooking.  xx

Back from my hols...

Hi guys,

Hope you haven't missed me too much.  I thought I'd have plenty of time to blog whilst I was away and make you all jealous of my lovely holiday, but do you think I could get near the laptop???? No chance, not with the kids and husband hogging it...in any case you can't see the screen in the sunshine and that's where I've spent the majority of my week...reclining by the pool in a sunlounger with a wine spritzer in my hand...it's such a hard life!

I've been to Gozo (a little island off the coast of Malta) with my family for a week in a traditional farmhouse...of course our traditional farmhouse had a lovely pool and sundeck overlooking an incredible view of the nearest bay/beach.

I haven't loaded my photo's up yet, but I'll pop in one from the web which was somewhere that we did visit and it's very beautiful.  It's called the Azure Window for obvious reasons.

One thing which I did notice whilst I was away that you may find interesting...or you may already have clocked it...when you drink alcohol your band gets tighter...yes...you heard it here first...or maybe not.

It is something I had already noticed on each other occasion that I'd had a drink or three, the following day my band would be super tight.  But what with the holiday atmosphere I drank every single day I was away...so I'm really pleased I decided not to have a fill before I went away! As it was I did struggle and got stuck and PB'd at the start of each and every meal.  The result was that despite all the excess wine that was consumed I did not gain a single pound...you can hate me now if you wish and I will fully understand. The one slight concern is that it probably isn't great to think that alcohol irritates your stomach as much as it obviously does! It may help to explain some of the wide variations people report from day to day in their restriction.  It may be that there are other food types that irritate some peoples stomach's also and cause this effect...worth thinking about if this sounds like you.

The only problem now is trying to get back into my fitness/exercise mindset...I'm struggling at the thought of it at the moment and I was so gung-ho before I went away.  Gotta get it back as it's the secret of success for me I'm quite sure.

I hope everyone's doing well on their own personal quests and I'm wondering how I can possibly catch up on all my backlog of blog reading.  Ciao for now...

Thank you all so much

I just wanted to say a special thank you for the lovely supportive comments on my last post...you know who you are! They were all soooo great you really made my day.

I posted my forum comment and my blog post last night after the best part of a bottle of red wine and this morning woke up feeling a little paranoid as to whether I should have kept my mouth shut...whether I was lighting the blue touch paper as my hubby says (an old chemistry reference). I've had an uncomfortable feeling in my belly all day as to whether I was stiring up trouble...but...I've had nothing but positive and supportive comments from both my bloggies (you guys) and a really lovely comment on the forum from Hatty who had obviously also been equally incensed!

Soooo bullies beware...I won't take it lying down. They are all shivering in their boots I'm sure. LOL! ;0)

Really, Really Cross!

Hi All,

I've been so cross about something since Wednesday night, I've done my usual evasion technique and tried not to think about it till today when I was much more sanguine.

This is quite funny because I've always been so emotive, I'll just fly off the handle if you let me...but over the years I've started to develop my avoidance tactics! init funny how we can turn things around just using our minds if we want to?

I'm a regular on a uk gastric band forum group and funnily enough one of the principals of my surgery provider has become a member of this group occassionally posting self promoting posts under the name of 'Juicy Janet'...watdaya reckon...juicy janet??? It's cute isn't it?  Anyways, this week he...yes he...posted about the SILS (single incision lapband surgery) procedure they do asking people to comment on their experience with this procedure...which I did as I have had it. I posted a couple of lines on the fact that even my kids didn't know I'd had the op and they wouldn't notice anything if I got changed in front of them as I had no obvious scars.

Following my post a long term bypasser posted saying she 'didn't wish to offend anyone' (I have my doubts), but that she really resented the 'cosmetic surgery' angle of wls and felt that SILS really played to this angle. She then was very scathing about the fact that she was honest with her family concerning her surgery and was proud of her bust to belly open surgery scar. I have to say I did feel judged, which annoyed me as my post was so short how could anyone get a real understanding of my reasons for my decisions.  I read the post just before going to bed too so i did spend a sleepless night about it. I then avoided thinking about it for a few days and just now responded. I was glad to see someone else had also responded first in defence of my position which was nice.

I did put forward a really good considered post I think in the end which I hope will make NHS (National Health Service) patients understand their private counterparts a little better.  It's probably really hard to understand this for the US patients, but the system here is that you only receive funding if you have a BMI over 40 or 50. Depending where you live the criteria can vary enormously to get funding for your surgery. A large number of people have to pay for their surgery privately and virtually no private medical insurance will pay for wls.

At least now that I've said my piece I do feel a lot better than I did. Don't you find it amazing how much weight someone's opinion whom you've never met can have on your life? If you want to see the posts, I've copied them below and you can let me know what you think. Don't hesitate to let me know if you think I'm being neurotic!

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I had SILS in Manch thru HW 4 months ago and I'm really pleased with the result. I could wear a bikini (if I had the figure for it yet) or get changed in front of my kids who don't know about my surgery and no-one would notice a thing. An excellent result.

by phejolou » Wed Jun 02, 2010 8:54 pm

I just wanted to put another side across and sorry if i upset anyone here.

People often talk about people having wls for vanity reasons and i feel that this SILS plays to that audience. For me personnally i had my bypass for health reasons, i wanted to be fitter and have a better quality of life for me and my family.... cosmetics did not come into the equasion at all. I knew from the onset that my surgeon only performs bypasses via open surgery....did i sit back and think.... oh my god a scar? a huge scar from bra line to just above the belly button? nope not for one second.

After all i am a mum of 3, have a bikini line scar from an ectopic pregnancy, i am never gonna have firm enough skin for a bikini. I look at my scar which has faded quite significantly and it reminds me what i have been through to get where i am today... how lucky i was to have had the oppurtunity of loosing the weight that i detested so much...you know what? it keeps me on track. I call it my zip cos you can see faint puncture scars from the staples. I had a dream when i was a kid, that at 18 my real parents (not that i was adopted or ought) would come and find me unzip me and out would come this gorgeous size 10 perfectly modelled person. It sorta come true cept i kept my lovely parents, became a size 10-12 but with a lumpy bumpy body that i love... my hubby still finds attractive and that my kids do not even batter an eyelid if i walk around starkers. To me that is far more important than worrying about whether i have a few tiny lap scars, one huge line scar or just a mere tummy bitton piercing. If we all have sufficient weight to loose to warrent something as drastic as wls then saggy skin is gonna happen.... and where does surgery stop?

I haven't hid my surgery from anyone, especially not my immediate family, we believe in being open and honest, they know that i have problems with weight and food as i believe it is vital for them to have an understanding for when they get older, they also know that their dad doesn't, but hopefully i have sorted this early enough in their lives so that food is not an issue for them... there is no right or wrong way to go about it but secrets grow and grow and get messy.

very interesting thread.

Again sorry if anyone is offended, but i get very defensive when vanity is bought into wls.

I'll shut up now Juliexxx (site moderator)

Bypassed 15/07/09 @ 21st 7lbs

weight today 28/04/10 11st 11lbs

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Hiya,

This is an interesting thread and whilst i agree that health is paramount i dont think its 'vanity' to want a healthier fitter body WITHOUT the scars if the procedure is just as safe and effective as open surgery. I love my body for all its flaws but i'm 22 havent had kids yet and would be unhappy with big scars over my stomach area, i love wearing bikinis and scars would have been one more thing to worry about. The procedure is just as safe so why not?http://www.TickerFactory.com/weight-loss/wY26SN3/

Banded at Dolan Park 10/04/10 by Dr Siggurdsson

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Hi Hatty,

Open surgery is far more dangerous than laprascopic procedures in actual fact and has a much higher incidence of death, infection, clots and other problems, so it really is a very serious consideration for more reasons than any scar issues.

I agree with phejolou in as much as if your weight is causing you a major risk to your health and lifespan then that risk becomes worth while and I can understand that she has very passionate feelings about what her surgery means to her and dislikes it being referred to as 'cosmetic'.

I think all of us who have been down this road understand that this is no easy option (bandits in terms of the slog to get the weight off even with the band and bypassers/sleevers for the extra risk associated with a more major procedure) and many many people on this site do feel extremely vexed by the misconceptions of the general public that this is the 'easy way out' or a cop-out to losing weight 'the right way' which it isn't. This is one of the reasons why i chose to keep my surgery private, because I realised that the band is not a cast-iron guarantee of success or speedy weight loss and I can personally do without the pressure put on me by ignorant (understandably so perhaps) people wanting to know how much I've lost so far and why i haven't lost more. The months when I lose only 2lbs I am relieved that I don't have to explain this to anyone else and have finally after all these years of obsessive dieting learned be kind to myself and take a long term view of this process.

I personally believe that there is too much focus on whether this is a 'cosmetic' procedure or not. In some cases it's life saving; in others it's just sanity saving...who is anyone to say that my sanity is not worthy of surgery to save it? In my case i don't qualify for NHS funding and some on this site will sneer at me and say I'm not worthy of having the procedure and I've done it out of vanity. I'm not going to spell out my life experiences to those people, but to give a short version, my weight had affected my confidence in my self worth to a degree where I was fearful of going out, was avoiding being intimate with my husband and felt worthless as a person. This may seem ridiculous to many at less than 16 stone, but it's how I felt. To me £8,000 was worth it to get the chance to change my life. It was coincidental that I happen to live in Manchester, and had already chosen HW to have my surgery with and they happen to only perform the SILS procedure in Manchester. I was more than happy with this coincidence, but would have still gone through with the procedure regardless. Also, I have battled and battled to lose weight for years and was only increasing in size year on year. My father has had the same problems and now at 69 looks 89! I could see the writing on the wall and had given up all hope of succeeding on my own and was slipping into depression. I knew what was in store for me and felt that by acting now I could try and salvage some of my youth and give myself a much shorter battle than waiting 10 years till I did qualify for NHS funding!

I'm 40 years old and I haven't worn a bikini since I was 21! But I hope I can post a two line post about being happy with the outcome of my surgery without fear of being judged and sneered at by people who know nothing about me!

I chose not to tell my children I was having surgery because 1) I thought they'd be scared and 2) because it's not fair to expect primary aged children to keep my private details to themselves...just as we don't share our salary details with our kids because we don't want it broadcast across the flippin' playground...not because we are dishonest!

I will happily share this information with my children when they are old enough to respect my decision to keep this private and not before.

I hope this might help people who see a flock of private patients coming through with comparatively low BMI's to understand that we are not taking this lightly and we can have serious issues with our weight other than medical ones.

I wish all of us success and joy in our journey's and ultimately a happy, contented life.

Sparkler xx

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I just wanted to clarify that I'm not upset or angry with Julie's comments...I did initially feel that she was judging me especially in relation to my not telling my children about my surgery, but on re-reading I felt that her comments where not as harsh as I'd originally felt they were.

It did however highlight for me a chasm that seems to exist in some cases between NHS patients who sometimes have life-threatening comorbidities and private patients who often don't and who often have less weight to lose (althought not always thanks to the post code lottery which is the NHS).

Sometimes I think we private patients are viewed as being the 'cosmetic' element...although I'm yet to meet a recipient of a nose job who had to relearn lifestlye behaviours. I mean I've joined a gym and am actually doing regular exercise...ME!!! and I'm enjoying it for the first time since I was 21.

I would just like to point out that we all want the same thing out of this process, which is to be healthy and happy in our own skin and it would be so nice if we can all be supportive of each other in our differing journeys as I know we all try to be.

I'm starting to sound like a bad version of Julie Andrews...as if she weren't bad enough!!!

Who'd have thought we could raise this much hubbub about a different way of performing wls???? No hard feelings.

Sparkler xx

Anywho, I'm feeling much more positive about everything, I was mentally kicking up a storm Wednesday night and Thursday,,,much more so than necessary once I re-read the offending post...it was much less offending! Maybe I just over-reacted from start to finish!<3

She's joined the Gym!!!! Wowee, watch those 'bingo wings' melt away...

Hi All,

Before I start on the above news, I must just reassure all you Aussie girls, that despite becoming a true-blue British person, I am still every bit the Aussie I always was.  Do you think I could give that up for anything???

I am still now and always will be an Aussie with an Aussie passport...I'm just British too. Good now that's settled I can tell you my real news...you may have guessed by the cluey title...I'VE JOINED THE GYM!

I've finally found a good use for working for the NHS...I get a massive discount of gym memberships! Who Knew? Well I guess I did know, I just couldn't imagine me every doing regular exercise!

My husband has even joined with me as they've agreed to give him the same discount as me and we are now official gym-bunnies.

I've really been enjoying the good feeling of exercising and since we stopped getting Sky TV, the evenings are getting so boring, staying home doing nothing is pretty terminal! Specially now eating and drinking copious amounts of red wine are off the agenda.

I've been going for a long walk with a friend one night a week, tennis, and tag rugby on another couple of nights and I've even been using the eliptical trainer a bit, but it's so boring...I'm really looking forward to using the weights machines to tone up my upper arms and doing lots of fun classes.

I've got my induction tonight to get me started, so that should be good fun.  I might even try a Zumba class and see what all the fuss is about! Look out body, you are gonna feeel the burn...

I should have stayed in bed...

...and pulled the covers over my head today...

~ My husband took my car keys to work by mistake.
~ The ticket machine at the train station was broken
~ The train was 15 mins late
~ The weather was cold and wet
~ The train conductor forgot me and didn't sell me a ticket
~ I had to queue up and buy my ticket on the platform
~ The man charged me Peak price instead of off-peak and told me I'd have to queue for a form to reclaim the overcharge!!! I was already late for work!
~ I had no lunch & no money, so had to use cash machine
~ I realised I'd forgotten my work pass!!! AAAaaarrrggghh!!

Can you then guess what this all became an excuse for????  Can you??? If you can't you've obviously never had a weight problem!!!

Yes, I thought...I'll buy my lunch from the sandwich lady at work...I deserve it...a chocolate bar and a huge coronation chicken sub later...I still wasn't done...I actually opened a box of truffle style chocs that I have in my drawer that have no real owners because I still wanted more chocolate....hhhmmm. Okay so far I've only eaten 3 of them and I think I'm done...but WTH was that all about and how did I easily  manage to put it all away???

I've just committed myself to wait till I return from my hols in mid June before I get my next fill too...Woops, just ate chocolate number 4!

Why am I still feeling hormonal after at least 3 weeks...my system is up the swany and it always has been with regards to hormones. I despair of them every being under control.

Ah well...I'll have to harness the power of positive thought and get good things happening again...thanks for listening to my little pity party...it's all very minor I know and now I'm ready to move on.

I'm planning on calling into the gym this week for a little tour as I would like to get started on some weight training to tighten up my 'bingo-wings' etc and maybe take the odd class. I get a pretty good discount as an NHS employee...I notice they even run a Zumba class, which I'd never even heard of till reading it in Amy W's blog.

My husband might be miffed though as he already complains that I'm out all the time, I have been going for a long walk with a friend on a Monday night, tennis on Wednesday night and ladies tag rugby on a Thursday night.  I'll tell him I'm doing it all for him, so that I can look good and so that I'll be more into sex...do you think that'll swing it for me?  You know if he really thought it'd up my sex drive, he'd be totally behind it, so I think I'll go with that. he he he

He loves skiing, so when he was complaining about it last night, I said it was so I could get fit and slim enough for our skiing trip next Winter, so I'd be fit enough to learn to do it properly...(I've only been once before about 3 years ago and found it really really difficult). I never normally use manipulation, but I need to make him see how my exercising more is worth the sacrafice of time on his part as he will benefit in the long run.

By the way, I saw an article about Sharon Osbourne and how much weight she's gained lately...it made me a bit scared as I've been worrying about what would happen When not If the band eventually deteriorates.  Will they just pop me a new one in? Or will they make me wait till I put a load of weight back on?

I'm not sure what poor ole' Sharon's story is, but I heard she'd had her band removed, don't know why. Maybe there was a problem. But the thought of getting to her stage, looking so great and then regaining the weight is just a bit terrifying!  Don't know if anyone knows anything about it they care to share, but it's very interesting for fellow bandsters I suppose.

It's taken my mind off scoffing anyway thank goodness and got me thinking about nice healthy exercise...

Hope you are all having a fab week and an even fabber weekend...ours is set to be cold and wet...it's punishment for our lovely sunny hot weekend that we just had.

OOoooh, I'm booking myself a lovely pamper morning for Saturday week prior to my holiday...a spray tan, pedicure, manicure and eyebrow shape...No doubt I'll look like a Hollywood starlet afterwards....NOT!

God Save the Queen & other trivial issues

Well, congratulate me all...I am now an official subject of Her Majesty.  Yesterday I was presented with my certificate of Naturalisation at the Town Hall by the Mayor. 

It only cost me a measley £720 to apply!!!

I'm an Aussie, married to a Brit and have been married since 1997 and eligible to apply since 2000...but of course who gets round to these things??? It would have been bloody free if I had!

Now days they've brought in a 'Life in the UK' test which everyone must pass. It's a huge thick book you've got to learn and then sit a test on, which of course costs money (can't remember how much) and then you've got to fill in a big form similar to a first passport application and go to a ceremony to collect your certificate.  I can now use this certificate to apply for a British passport (for another £72).  I thought I'd better pull my finger out and get it sorted as they are now talking about bringing in a probationary period for citizenship once granted (I think it's about 3 years), I'm not worried that I'm at risk of getting into trouble with the law, but I don't want to be made to wait another 3 years for a passport as it'll make things heaps easier going on hols with the family etc.

Anyway, job done, I can tick it off the list of jobs that you never get round to that hang over your head for years...like my Aussie back taxes...7 years late...just got the assessment through and I've gotta pay a small fortune in Capital Gains Tax from selling our rental property in Aus last year.

On top of all this, my husband's found a house he wants us to move to...which means finishing off all the jobs at our house, putting it on the market and agreeing a price...of course he thinks it's worth less than the seller does! Good luck with that! It's much smaller than our current house and needs tonnes of updating...but it's rural and private with some land and within spitting distance of the right location so my hubby is desperate to get it as we can't really afford anything bigger and better that has the other credentials and they don't often come on the market in the area and price range.

My son is all set to start at a private secondary school in September which is going to cost a small fortune...so we are going to have to get creative to accomplish all these expensive things in the next few months!! Anyway, we shall see. I'm not going to stress over it. What will be will be as they say.

In other news...my weight has been yo-yoing the self same two pounds for two weeks now!!! I'm so not impressed.  I've been exercising loads more the last couple of weeks, but I've also been quite hormonal so I'm hoping to see that it was a combo of fluid retention and extra muscle weight doing this to me...I took my measurements this morning for the first time since the very start and was glad to see a nice drop in the numbers...I knew I had lost inches, but it was still nice to see expecially as Mr Scale is being particularly evil just now!

Feeling uplifted...and...getting rid of last weekends excesses!

Dear Readers,

You may remember last weekend I had a girls night out which obviously entailed the drinking of wine...followed by the need for sugar on Sunday for strictly remedial purposes...this resulted in a 2.2lb overall weight gain for the weekend!

I've spent the entire week getting back where I started from...considering I had big plans to get down to 13 stone by my hols which gave me exactly four weeks to lose 8.8lbs I am not happy to have spent one week of them getting back to needing to lose 8.8lbs...oh well, no use crying over spilt milk, so I just need to get on with things and make the best of it.

When I got up this morning I weighed myself and found again no change (3 days straight)...I'd failed to get the weight off in a single week...I thought.

I have however been much more active this week...which is great as I'd been feeling down now for a few weeks and very sluggish, not doing any of the exercise that I had been doing, which was making things even worse.

This week, I went for a brisk walk with a friend for about 45 mins or so on Monday, Wednesday I went to my tennis lesson and played for an hour and a half, Thursday I walked 2 miles, Friday I walked 3 miles, so I thought I deserved to lose some as I'd been also being careful about what I ate.  Anyway, I decided not to be detered. I was putting some of the problems down to TOTM anyway, so with my new found enthusiasm I jumped out of bed threw on a tracksuit and went into the garage with iPod primed and did 30 mins on the cross trainer.  The machine that I've had for at least a year and used a sum total of FOUR times!

So I feel pretty good about that...the even bigger reward was that I got on the scales...yes AGAIN...before I got in the shower to find i'd lost a whole extra pound! WTH??? Hey, I'm not complaining I earned that sucker.

I didn't find it too hard doing the 30 mins, but when I got off the machine I could really feel it in my thighs and my face was pretty red...that's fab because I really need to slim my thighs down, a lot of my trousers are very loose on the waist, but fit in the thighs, I also have a lot of fat around the sides and back of my knees, which means I really couldn't picture myself EVER wearing a skirt.  I'm really going to try and keep doing this a few times a week, cause I think I'll really see a difference in my muscle tone on my legs.

I'm taking my son to buy some new clothes this afternoon as he's had a growth spurt lately and is running out of clothes that fit...he's just turned 11 and is a 28" waist, he's going to be a big lad I think, he's already as tall as his grandma, broad shouldered and strong.  Anyway, I digress...my point was that whilst I'm out I'm secretly planning on popping into Next and trying on ALL their size 16UK work trousers, my 18UK's are falling off just about. I may buy a pair even if I'm not quite in them yet as the only size 16 pair I have are well worn from all the previous yo-yo diets I've been on and look crappy...something good to aim for.  I really can't wait till I can wear nice things for work and even wear heels without becoming a cripple by 11am.  Wish me luck xx

First alcoholic drink in 4 months...and ancient drama's still causing probs!

Hi All,

As I mentioned in my last post I had a girls night out on Saturday and it would be my first alcoholic evening in 4 months! Up till now I've been abstaining. Obviously I had to for a while for my surgery anyway, but as I love a glass of wine or three I decided it would be for the best to kick drinking to the curb for a while so's I could really focus on my health and cut out one of my largest sources of empty calories. wimper...

Anyways it hasn't been as hard as I'd thought, probably a state of mind thing...you don't have surgery unless you're committed to the process now do you?

I had decided to spread out two large glasses over the course of the night, but of course ended up having four (a whole bottle in other words). I drank it over five hours, but I still ended up a little hung over on Sunday and was forced to eat sugary things to keep me alive...you know how it is.

The evening was good, but could have been better... Last year we had a bit of an implosion in our friendship group caused by the drunken behaviour of one of our number, her behaviour had been questionable for some time and there had been a number of incidents of her flirting outragiously with other peoples husbands over the years (I've never actually witnessed it myself, but I know it had caused bad feeling several times) and then one morning after one of our nights out she phoned me to tell me that her husband had found out she'd been having 'text sex' with the husband of a friend (not someone from our social group) and her husband had phoned up a couple of our mutual friends to tell them all about it and get them on his side against her. Of course this caused enormous ructions and people were very resentful of her and sorry for her hubby.

They seemed to patch things up in record time though and everyone else was expected to forget all about it and they both keep being invited out because no-one wants to upset her hubby...she hates it and feels like a cat on hot bricks the whole time, but refuses to stay home even when it's only the girls going, so everyone is slightly uncomfortable around her. (She's very resentful that people didn't stick by her over it and feels let down by us all!)

Over time I had come to realise she wasn't an entirely balanced individual, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt because I believe she is kind and caring and good hearted...but since all this has happened she just acts more and more strange and I always feel on eggshells whenever I see her as she is understandably paranoid of every look or comment (she was somewhat paranoid to begin with so you can only imagine it now she has something to be paranoid about!) This all happened a full year ago and it still hasn't blown over...there is a lot more I could say about her behaviour, but without wishing to write a book on the subject I'm trying to be brief.

I believe she is still very unhappy in her marriage, but rather than do anything about it she's doing her penance for her misdeed by playing happy families...I was around there on Friday night to pick up my son (our sons are very close friends) and she was so rude and hideous to her husband she obviously has no respect for him. When I asked her why she was saying those things to him, she said 'because he's a liar'! - nice.

Anyway...I think we all see another drama somewhere around the bend, but when I don't know. We'll all just keep holding our breath till it comes.

On a lighter note...I was so dehydrated on Sunday morning I'd actually lost 2lbs despite having drank jug-fulls of water whilst I was out! Monday morning though I'd put on...4lbs! That was an expensive night out in terms of weight loss. I've taken off 0.8 of it, but I can see it'll take me all week just to lose the bottle of wine and hangover food of the weekend. I don't think I was even that bad on Sunday! I can't afford to do that every week can I???

Funny, I arrived in work this morning to see a plastic wine glass on my desk marked with 175ml level and daily alcohol allowances for men and women - a freebie from the alcohol team...I work for the National Health Service...there's a message there somewhere.

Hope you're all having a good week. xx

Results of the two week challenge

Hi folks,

In total I've lost 5 of the 7lbs I was hoping to lose over the two week period. Not bad, but I lost 2lb of it on the first day!

I did have a small glitch on Thursday which did affect things. I had a work conference and I wasn't able to choose my food at lunch time. The room was so crowded with people and in the break I had to man a stand and so couldn't get to any of the fruit. So by lunch time I was ravenous...in fact during the session before lunch my stomach sounded like an earthquake was going on and I expected people to start evacuating the room and heading for safe haven! I was that hungry!

Of course when we broke for lunch the queue for the food was up the hallway and almost out the doors and due to my trip to the loo before lunch I was at the back of it and by the time I got near the food all the good choices of salmon skewers and such things were gone and all that was left were a few slices of quiche and some salad.

The quiche was really nice, but it tasted strongly of butter...hhhmmm...that can't be a good thing. Then to make myself feel better I was forced at gunpoint...no really...to eat this gorgeous slice of chocolate brownie with a lovely chocolatey icing on top...god it was good.

I weighed myself the next day and I'd put on 0.8lb...Gggrrrr.

The next day I had a pretty good food day...was planning on doing the low cal day, but then for tea was forced...yes forced to cook tortellini as it was the used by date...what else could I do? It wasn't that bad, but not as slimming as it could have been, so dropped 0.2lbs this morning, but not the whole chocolate brownie and quiche have come off yet. Trying not to dwell on it.

Gonna try and do 3 or 4 low cal days next week as a big push for my week in Gozo in early June. Would love to be down to 13st or even a smidge below for that...that's my next mini target. That will get me into most UK16 size clothes. I even ordered myself a new swimming costume to celebrate my new lease on life. My old costume was bought to cover me up and looks like I'm borrowing my old granny's costume! I'm only 40, not 80 so I've decided I deserve something a little younger looking. I love my band...

Day 4 of the plan...going good!

I'm really over the moon today. Last week as you know I was killing myself on super low calories and it was affecting my mood and also my energy. I had a good loss early on but then stopped losing weight.

From Friday I started to increase my calories as I could see I wasn't getting the benefits from the super low range and I didn't count calories over the long weekend. I even had a couple of treats here and there. Guess what...I lost another 1.2lbs when I increased my cals. I was actually scared to get on the scales, so you can imagine my reaction when I saw a loss!!!

So today I'm having an 850 calorie day using the packs I bought from Weight to Go. I had a shake for breakfast, a pouch of soup for lunch and another shake when I got home from the school run (just had that now and I feel stuffed...my fill must be doing it's job). I've got a pouch of 'Succulent braised beef in traditional english porter' for dinner (the pouch idea sounds bad, but it looks quite nice...I'll reserve judgement), I'll boil some veg to have with it, then I'm suposed the have another shake in the evening...the shakes are 125 cals which is good and pretty filling. I make them with some frozen fruit to give them some flavour and body and you don't need to use very much fruit which is good calorie wise.

I'm totally raving on about calories at the moment aren't I??? Sorry...I'm just in the process of experimenting really and finding out what works for me and what doesn't...until my fill is spot on and my head is trained up not to eat for pleasure I'm going to have to keep a close eye on myself...but I'll get there.

I'm really excited about it today though as i feel that I've found a process that will work after spending so long starving myself, throwing a wobbler when the weightloss stops and then binging the 10lb I've managed to starve off straight back on again...oh yeah...plus another 10!

I'll let you know when I weigh in on Saturday how the rest of the week's gone and how much I manage to lose.

I've got a girls night out on Saturday. I haven't been out for ages and I've booked a hair appointment for the afternoon so I can try and look my best next to my skinny glamorous friends (skinny cows:0)). I'll also be having my first alcoholic drink since 10th January...nearly 4 months dry!!! Not that I'm counting - much! I'll have to go carefully or they'll be scraping me up off the floor. I'm going to stick to two wines - large ones - spread over about four hours and suplimented with gallons of water.

Can't wait...

New motivation

Hi All,

I've delayed writing this post since last weekend as I'd already written three on the same day!! Don't want to overload you folks...if you're like me you follow a million or so banded blogs and it's hard to keep up to date with them all without people posting four times in one day!

Well...The skinny is...(get it? Skinny?..I know it's bad) I decided to use my last fill as a motivation point and try and lose 7lbs in two weeks by eating around 850 cals a day (in my world that usually means nearer 900-950).

The way I planned to do this was to use my 3 days liquid 3 days mush for the first 6 days and then use a weeks worth of 'Weight to Go' products which are meal replacements (shakes, soups and meals) sold by my provider that add up to 850 cals per day. what I've discovered so far is the usual...my body is very quick to adapt to very low cals and after 3 days my weightloss slowed down to nothing!

First day was mega as I lost 2lbs straight up (one of those pounds I'd been toying with for about 3 weeks..on again off again...you get the picture so it was only hanging on by a thread. The other was an extra. Then the following two days I lost 0.6lb a piece. This made sense accoring to my fat secret app which calculated that I was consuming around 1400 fewer calories per day than I was eating (if 3500 cals equals 1lb). Then on day four, five, and 6 NADA, NOTHING...that was so hard to carry on with but I did, finally on day seven I lost 0.4lb...this does not compute with the logic of 3500 calories defecit = 1lb weight loss.

A lot of people have discussed this recently and my theory for what it's worth is that our bodies slow down our metabolism when we consistently consume too few calories. I felt quite lethargic and woolly headed, so I'm not in much doubt about which functions my body was slowing down on to conserve energy.

The result of this little experiment was that I decided that the best way forward for me was to up my calories to a more sustainable (but still weightloss) level and just use the prepackaged, calorie counted meals I'd bought to trick my body...I'll throw in an extra low cal day twice a week to up my weight loss but not lower my metabolism and see how this goes.

Previously when I'd been eating more calories my body was very responsive to my good days and I'd see it on the scales...but I just don't get the reward for my efforts when I consistently eat too low calories.

Our bodies are more complex than the simple calories in-calories out model once we get into what...to our bodies...is an emergency in terms of calorie defecit. I suppose it had to have ways of surviving famines in cave man days. It's scientifically accepted fact that our metabolism does slow down on very low calorie intakes (this is not permanent though and it returns to normal once our calorie intake returns to a healthy level), the exact level of calorie intake which will cause this to happen varies by person.

Also, it is scientifcally proven that our bodies will conserve fat stores and burn muscle first when calorie levels are too low. Muscle as we all know is less efficient than fat and burns more calories at rest, so it is more efficient in times of famine to burn muscle and conserve fat. In times of true famine people with less efficient bodies would be more prone to die before those with more efficient ones, so it makes sense that over millions of years we have evolved to be efficient when food is scarce. (Scientific lecture over...I am not...as you may have guessed a scientist, I am merely paraphrasing from the reading that I've done).

So I'm happy in that I've dropped 3.6lbs this week, but I did suffer for that loss and I don't think I had to suffer like I did...I think I could have lost this amount on a more sensible number of calories...especially if I'd had any energy and done any exercise as I would normally have done. The other effects of drastically reduced calories for me is that when I increase them I feel I've been deprived and i want to eat bad things like chocolate and carbs!! Also, I've felt very low and depressed even all week...that wasn't pleasant for me or my family.

It'll be interesting to see how much I lose this week with the new plan...I'll have to try and stick to it now that I've put it out there...hard to do on the long weekend...so much temptation.

I hope you all have a good time and have something nice planned for the May Day weekend.

Fat Secret

I've started using an app for my iPhone that I've had on there for ages and not even really looked at. It came up in the support group that one of the girls had an app that was good for checking out calories of restaurant dishes etc. So I pulled out my phone and started looking at this free app that I'd downloaded called..you guessed it...Fat Secret...sounds lovely doesn't it?

I've had a good look and although it's mostly American...yes okay...fine for most of you guys...it's very good (so far anyway, I've only been using it for three days). Not all the foods I eat are on the database, but you can enter your food details onto the database via the website and that product is then on there for everyone to use.

You can do loads of useful stuff on it like keep your food diary (you can do a barcode scan with your phone to automatically enter food into your food diary!!!), an exercise diary, log your weight which goes on a line graph, a diet calander (showing the daily calories eaten, plus a breakdown of fat, carbs etc. number of calories burnt, including sleeping, resting and exercise, and the difference between the two), sections on popular brands, restaurants & chains, supermarket brands, etc.

You can go onto the website even without the app and do it on-line too. You register and you can join a group, I've joined one for people with gastric bands, but you don't have to join one. Online you can add new foods to the database, you can keep a journal which can be private or public, post threads within a group if you have joined and join challenges. I'll see how it goes, but so far so good.

The best thing about it is it's free, so if you lose interest it doesn't matter.

Support Group

Hi All,

Went to the monthly Support Group meeting yesterday...they are talking about changing it to an online forum and education session that you can log into and post threads that will be answered by Stuart the nutricianist who runs the support group and Dr Ashton to try to reach more patients as the groups are currently quite small. I enjoy going and chatting about issues with the other patients and the education sessions are useful. I get the impression though that Stuart prefers to keep a tight reign on things and not let us chat too much...he seems frustrated when he can't get a word in edgewise...get used to it...it's a group of mostly women...we like to talk! and we like to share!

I also get the impression when I talked to Stuart in the break about my plans for the next couple of weeks to get back on track, he really didn't want to have to listen to it. Surely that's his job...or is it just me he finds tiresome...I don't know but it doesn't give you a warm and fuzzy feeling! Saying that he is very nice and very good at his job so I've decided to give him break...he might have been having a bad day.

There is a lady who goes who is a GP by profession, she's very nice and has been having a hard time appying herself to the diet side and also has found that she has no restriction despite having a whopping 10mls put in her band!! This week she told me that she'd found out she has a leak in her band and has to have the port and tubing replaced. Hence the lack of restriction! She seems quite down about it as she has struggled so long and now has to not only have more surgery, but pay for it and she also has to pay for a locum to cover her surgery whilst she's off as she has no holiday pay left. The surgeon and anaesthetist have both said they'll give their time for free so the cost I think is for the hospital...she'll get confirmation soon as to how much it will cost her, so fingers crossed it'll be low or even gratis! If the band proves to be fauly I'm sure she'll have some legal recourse.

We were discussing it after and I mentioned the newly introduced guarantee. A girl who had her surgery the same day as me said that she had signed the new contract with the guarantee!!! How frustrating to think that I should have been told this was coming in and wasn't. I only signed my contract a week or two before the surgery! I can assure you that if I do need the revision surgery I shall be making a fuss about it. hummmph!

2nd Fill...and a moving port!!!

I went for my second fill on Saturday...bit of a pain as the support group meeting is on the Sunday so I had to spend two afternoon's there instead of one. Luckily I left half an hour early (after being late for my xray fill I wasn't letting that happen again.) The traffic was so hideous due to a football game in the area that it took the whole half an hour extra to get there and I arrived right on time for my fill...but...you guessed it, due to the traffic they were running 45 minutes late on their appointments! Oh well, better them late than me.

The worrying thing that I found out was that my port is moving around!! What's that about?? When I had my xray fill Dr Ashton found it immediately and was able to get the needle in without any hesitation. This time he felt around...then felt around some more..then lowered the bed head...then had another couple of feels. Then he said with a look of consternation on his face, but not looking at me, as he went over to set up the needle...'your port is moving'. Then he came back with the needle felt around for a while longer and finally put the needle in. The fill was done then without any difficulty and the port wasn't mentioned again. I was hesitant to ask as he didn't seem in a very good mood and he hadn't brought it up. Silly I know, but I needed to chew on it a bit longer myself.

He put a further 1.3mls in my band bringing me up to 6.8mls in total.

When I came out of the appointment and was having a drink to make sure I could get it down okay I saw the nutricianist walk past so I grabbed him and asked him about the financial situation should I need to have port revision surgery as I was concerned that if it were to twist or leak that's what I would need...after only three months I can't help thinking that it should be covered. The annoying thing is that they've recently since I've signed my contract introduced a guarantee for the surgery and an extra year aftercare inclusive in the price! He said I'd need to phone and ask which contract I'm on...I have checked my contract and it is as I suspected that I am on the old agreement whereby they contract out of any liability for complications and associated costs.

Let's just hope that this doesn't become necessary. I'm going to try not to dwell on it.

Drazil's Friday Bring Your Own Crazy Quiz....here goes

Hi All,

I'm taking part in Drazil's BYOC quiz for the first time ever...hope you're all excited, it's a bit late but here goes...

1. Name a career you would NOT want to do and tell why.
The career that I would NOT/could NOT do is Teach children. When I finished high school I just had no clue what I wanted to do for a career and the only thing I had experience of was the school system, so I went into teachers college as they called it then.

Apart from the fact that I just did not have the maturity then to do that kind of job, I most certainly did not have the patience for it. I remember telling my boyfriend at the time that I was applying for teachers college and his reaction was to laugh out loud! He just thought it was utterly hilarious that someone as impatient as me could even think of being a teacher. I was pretty surprised at peoples reactions as I had no idea that people had that impression of me..people who really knew me I mean...As it turns out they were completely right...I so could NOT do that job!!! I admire good teachers and I really don't know how they do it.

As an addition to the above, my parents confessed that when I had my first son they were slightly dubious as to what kind of parent I was going to make...again, I'm so glad! I think over the years I'd made various harsh and intolerant sounding comments about children and their various behaviours which made my parents wonder whether motherhood and I were designed to go together. Fortunately I've been happy to prove them wrong on this one...My mother actually told me a couple of weeks ago that she regularly discussed with her friends what a good mum I am. It's been 11 years since I had my first son so I'm sure she's quite forgotten her worries of all that time ago and isn't telling her friends in a surprised way...I think she's bragging is all. That's a nice thing to hear from your mum, kind of makes up the for the doubts she had in my late teens and twenties...almost. :0)

2. What’s the best present you ever received for your birthday?
I know this is very unspiritual sounding and very materialistic, but my two favourite birthday presents have been my iPod one year and my iPhone for my last birthday, both from my hubby. I'm very attached to these gadgets. When I used to have trouble sleeping, with worries tumbling over in my mind for hours making me feel anxious and keeping me awake. I downloaded all the Ricky Gervais podcasts and audiobooks as they came out and I would play them when I went to bed with the sleep timer on. This successfully distracted me from bad thoughts and I would fall asleep in probably 10 minutes on most nights. Yes! bonus! my iPhone let's me have access to my emails and I can browse the net, read all your blogs and catch up on forum posts while I'm on the train to and from work or on holiday. Just fabulous.

3. This is from Amy W. (I had a request to copy her question and ask it today in BYOC) (Hope that’s okay Amy!)

What do you hide behind?

The last ten years or so I suppose I hide behind inconspicuous clothes to try not to be noticed as I haven't felt good about the way that I look. I also have always hidden behind various self-sabotages as I'm so convinced I'll fail at things that my negative thought process actually makes it happen.

I think it's great that so many of you are super confident regardless, or perhaps because of your size. I've been thinking about it and I think my opinion of how other people will value me is so low that I feel that when I'm very overweight it draws peoples attention to me in a negative way and will make them look down on me/dislike me and my self-confidence just disappears except with people I know well (I don't suppose it gives people much credit for any depth does it!). I know that as I lose weight I will gain in confidence and I think it's a shame that so much of my self-worth is tied up in my weight. One thing I've learned from so many of you is that people will perceive us as worthy if we project that we believe we are worthy and that we love and value ourselves. Big lesson

4. Where were you born?
Port Moresby, Papua New Guinea

5. A little twist on this one..usually we ask – what blog spoke to you the most, stuck with you, had the most effect on you this week? This week I’m adding to that which comment may have affected you greatly? Sometimes a blog can lead to amazing comments and they deserve their own claim to fame here in this question.
Chelles's comment on 'back boobs made me chuckle on Amy W's blog on Tuesday;and a post answering Amy's question 3 above on her Friday blog by Pamela E Williams was really brilliant. She talks about growing up being different from her siblings and not feeling attractive, but she was smart, so she used her intelligence as a sheild and a consolation and an identity.

Big First Fill

I know, I know...what is this? Nothing for 2 weeks and then 4 posts in one day??!!

It's just to say that when I went for my first fill as I probably mentioned at the time, I was running late and Dr Ashton didn't ask for my fill record card and fill it in and for some silly reason I didn't think to ask how much fluid he'd put in...let's face it, I tried to leave the table with the needle hanging out of my port...I obviously wasn't especially sharp that morning! How could anyone forget they had a huge needles stuck in their stomach?

On Monday, having made the decision the day before that I was going to phone for a fill...who should phone me but Claire the Healthier Weight nurse to see how I was finding my first fill. I took the opportunity of 1st booking my next fill (Saturday) and 2nd of asking how much fluid had been put into my port...I thought maybe 2ml, 2.5ml...No, try again...a whopping 5.5ml had been put in for a first fill! I'm not complaining as I could see from the xray at the time that the barium was passing through at the correct speed of around two contractions of the stomach. It looked slowed, but not too slow if you see what I mean.

I'll let you know how I get on with the new fill on Saturday!

Diet Fatigue...

As I'm sure I've already mentioned, my weightloss is super slow. I seem to lose a pound, put a pound on, lose 0.2lb, lose another 0.2lb...get the pound off again, then put on 0.4! It's what's known in the diet trade as the circuitous route! I think a big part of my problems now is what I'm calling 'diet fatigue'!

The initial fear and novelty value has worn off the band and I'm struggling to maintain my motivation to overcome my eating issues and eat few enough calories on a daily basis to lose a significant amount of weight.

I've dieted now, (yo-yo'd I should say) for the past five years solid. After an initial very successful period where I'd managed to lose 37lbs and eventually plateau, I cycled between renewed committment and weightloss; and frantic binges ending up over time within a couple of pounds of where I'd started!

Each time I became remotivated and tried again, my motivation was that bit shorter lived and more easily destroyed if I didn't have the weightloss I felt I'd earned for a week or two in a row.

On a positive note...I've come to the acceptance that I am not going to shock and surprise people with a dramatic weight loss and that's okay. I'll be more than happy if I am just going down...that is something I would never have accepted in my Slimming World days (I was discouraged if I lost less that a pound a week and if I'd been 'good' I expected to lose at least 2lbs or more.

My main reason for deciding I could relax and accept a slow loss was the realisation that this time I am going to keep it off!!!

I've already had the odd bad week and I haven't put anything on to speak of, and I can't eat anythig like the quantity of food I could before, so that's damage limitation.

No...despite my imperfect restriction and despite my food related issues, I'm happy that I've had the band and I'm happy that I'm going in the right direction. There's a lot of trial and error involved and sometimes I fall on my ass and eat the wrong things and miss out on opportunities I should have taken to exercise, (I am bone-idle when it comes to jumping about)...but sometimes I do right and sometimes I lose weight! It's all good...and I have a fill on Saturday so look out!

Cara (The Dash) said that when I reach good restriction I won't be focused on food so much...can't imagine it, but I really would love it to be true. It's hard to resist food when you're thinking about it all the time...

Checking restriction

Hi All,

Since the Easter break I've been trying to get back to the real world and see how my restriction is working for me (as I mentioned in a recent post).

Catching up with last week...I meant well I really did, but my body just wasn't co-operating! This seems a little unnusual and I'm hoping it's just a phase...I'll explain.

I decided I was going to follow the hunger more and not eat for the love of eating, whilst still having at least three decent meals a day of course. This seemed to be going fine at work. I ate sensibly...I had some fruit and yoghurt with me, so if I had been hungry I could have eaten them.

I finish work in time to catch the train home and pick up the kids from school at 3:15 but most days by the time I'd gotten down to school from the train I was really feeling hungry and weak. I'd gone from not hungry...to ravenous!! WTF?? On the walk home I felt completely drained and a bit faint and when I got home each day the cupboard contents emptied themselves into my mouth!!! Needless to say this ruined my appetite for my evening meal and completely scuppered my chances of losing ANY weight!

Then on Saturday I decided I was determined to lose some weight over the weekend and was going to be very good! Felt fed up and deprived on Saturday, but managed to eat only low calorie healthy food when hungry and not eat anything in between meals. I felt very virtuous when I showed a loss on the scales on Sunday morning.

But Oh No...we went out for the day as a family on Sunday and I was sssooooo hungry at lunch time from the day before's deprivations (proper hunger) that I ate an entire chicken wrap and a jam doughnut. My husband was stunned...I could have happily inhaled two of the sugarry monsters but people were watching! I'd had my regular portion of porridge for breakfast and it was only 12:00pm so what was that about???

Immediately following that lunch I decided that I would by phoning for another fill ASAP.

Why is it that a decrease in calories on one day (or one part of the day) is seriously affecting my appetite the next day (or during the afternoon), when I've eaten enough calories. This doesn't usually happen when I'm dieting (I'm far from starving myself). Like I said before I hope it's just a phase. Hhhmmmm

Problems with Blogger in Draft!!!

Sorry all...had all good intentions of posting loads this morning, but when I logged on my blog wasn't displaying properly and is almost impossible to read. So I've tried changing the template, by when I view it the old, faulty template is displaying! Hopefully this is fixed soon...be patient with me.

P.S. Just got caught by my boss on Blogger instead of working...whoops! I'm slightly red-faced. Serves me right I suppose for being naughty in work time. I'll check in tonight and hopefully things are back up and running and I'll update you on my last two weeks.

P.P.S Thanks to all those who've commented...It's really nice to read them.