I'm a happy bunny...

After being super good and banishing all alcohol and food related goodies from my diet in an attempt to take this seriously for a change...let's face it...my weekends were sabotaging my weeks good behaviour on too many occassions. I've been forced to face the fact that as much as I don't want it to be true it is...A bottle of red wine on a Saturday night is just not a substitute for one of my '5 a day' (not sure if they have that slogan in the US or Aus...it's fruit and veg if not)...it may be colourful, but I can't pretend it's beetroot!...anyway getting to the point...I had been looking at a very stubborn scale up until yesterday.

I woke up, shed all things which may add weight and stepped aboard...1lb off...finally! Another good day followed on the challenge...then Friday night came...well! how boring! No red wine...Nothing! Just sugar free squash...great! Husband snoring his head off on the sofa from 8pm because the muscle relaxants he's on have relaxed one too many muscles! What an exciting bloody life I lead.

This morning again I shed all my possible non body related sources of weight and jumped aboard...I didn't expect any change as it'd taken me 4 full days to lose the first pound...OMG another pound was gone! That has gotta be my reward for having such a bloody miserable Friday night no?  So today I've seen my new low of 179.2!  I'm officially in a new decade.

A NEW DECADE FOLKS!

Sorry, I was a little excited there. I'm now all the more excited to get to the bottom of this one.  I was actually thinking this morning...'It's a shame I have that girls weekend coming up in the middle of November...that's gonna slow me down...' and 'Maybe I should put off my trip to Australia until the new year...I'd be able to lose more weight before I went then...I haven't bought my ticket yet'. 

Anyway, I will be going on the girls weekend...fortunately they are always watching what they eat anyway...it's the drinking that'll be the killer.  I will have to take it easy anyway as I'll be very rusty and don't want to get a hangover as I'll be staying off it now until then. 

I may however put off my trip to Aus as it's going to be tricky to pay for the ticket at the moment...as you know we've recently bought a derelict farm house which needs full renovation and we are yet to sell our house so funds are a little tight as we had to offer more than we could  comfortably afford to pay in the end...but a couple more months should see things loosen up slightly.  Also, as I'll be going on my own and staying with family it's really just the airline ticket price I need to find...now where did I put it?

I do think we have it much easier over here at this time of year by the way than you poor guys in the US...here Halloween is very low key...our street is full of retirees and we very rarely get anyone trick-or-treating so I do not buy in sweets etc for them and we don't have Thanksgiving to contend with either...just good old Christmas which makes it easier...also, I don't have a big extended family, so a lot of what I'm exposed to at Christmas is up to me. So I can fairly easily make good choices there and I'm planning to put that choice power to good use this year...no doubt I will have some treats, but I'll try to keep it within the realms of good sense.

Have a good Halloween weekend all...don't ya just love those puppies in their Halloween costumes? Yes, that fast food is really that scary! xx

Curried Cauliflower Heaven...just sayin'

I just had to share the triumph that my improvised cauliflower soup was this lunch time! It was utter heaven and totally filling.  I've priced it up calorie-wise for you also, so if you think it sounds good you can give it a go.

Calories per 300ml serving= 122.25

I had mine with a dessertspoon sized scoop (around 20g) of 0% Fage Greek yoghurt stirred in (10.4 cals)
and 15g grated mozzerella cheese sprinkled on top (43.5 cals)...it tasted totally decadent!

All measurements are approximate and you can vary according to your tastes or the amount of soup required...this recipe produced around 1200mls of soup or around 4 servings...I ate two for my lunch.

400g cauliflower (chopped) = 140 cal (35 cals per 100g)
180g onions (chopped)= 63 cal (35 cals per 100g)
1 mid-sized potato (peeled & chopped) mine weighed 280g raw so was 224 cals - eek! (80cals per 100g)
2 chicken (or veg) stock cubes = 62 cals for both
mild curry powder to taste...not sure about these cals as no info on tin...only used a tblspn so can't be many.
1 tblspn granulated sweetener if you feel necessary...it shouldn't taste sweet, it's just I sometimes find curry powder can be a tad bitter.
1/2 tspn dried chilli flakes
salt & pepper to taste
boiling water to cover

Once the veg is soft I just used a hand blender to whizz it to the desired consistency and simmered until it was the thickness I wanted...it couldn't have taken more than 30mins actual stove time (although I must admit I didn't time it).

See paragraph 3 for my preferred serving suggestions...the greek yog & grated cheese made it to die for..well almost...not even chocolate's that good!

Bodies just don't always co-operate do they???

Ok...this is day three of the challenge and not only has my weight not gone down yet...it's gone UP by 0.4lb.  OK, it's only a tiny amount, and I know I've followed the protocol, so I know I haven't caused this to happen.  I'm going to put it down to natural weight fluctuation and move on.  Yesterday I was at least 300 cals below my maximum allowance so I'm happy  with that and I got my fluids in.  I was pretty sedentary as I was working from home, so on the laptop all day without even the usual exercise of travelling to and from work.  My calf muscles were pretty stiff this morning from Zumba on Monday night though, so you never know...a little fluid might be helping to mend those muscles...I'm banking on it anyway!

I'm planning to do an exercise class tonight at the gym as my usual tennis lesson is not on and I've bought a ton of fresh veg and I plan on making a cauliflower soup today for lunch and chicken chow mein for our tea tonight...I'll stick to tons of beansprouts though instead of the usual noodles for myself to keep the calories low and get some extra nutrients by way of veg.

It's getting so chilli here lately that the salads I've been doing for tea are just not appealing, so I'll definately be making a few fresh soups over the next week or so...I'll eat some and freeze some to take to work for lunches.

Sorry this sounds just so dull! I'm just a bit of a tunnel vision sort of person and not much of a multi-tasker...I tend to find when I'm running to and from work, making sure the kids are organised for school and the house isnt' falling to rack and ruin and everyone has clean clothes to wear for the week, I can't be creative and organised in the kitchen and tend to fall back on freezer foods & quick options...then when I'm focused on cooking from scratch healthy, inventive and low-cal meals and prioritising getting my exercise then the washing pile gets larger and larger and the house starts to look like 'Stig of the dump' moved in!
CAN YOU EXTRAPOLATE THE HEIGHT OF MY WASHING PILE AND THE AMOUNT OF DETRITUS AROUND MY HOUSE AT THE MOMENT? It's not good! I've cleaned the kitchen this morning...which of course I do everyday, but it never seems to look like I do for very long! And I'm planning a break from the computer mid afternoon for a big super energetic cleaning blitz...I'll also squeeze in a few loads of washing throughout the day as I did yesterday.  Hopefully I'll feel better about the state of the house after that and get some activity into the bargain.

Fingers crossed the scale co-operates tomorrow or I may be tempted to get 'Med-evil on it's ass!' (quote from Pulp Fiction my fave film...I've typed it as he pronounces it not as it's really spelled in case you were worried about my spelling abilities :0).

First day of the challenge is behind me...& Zumba

Okay, the title says it all...So far so good on the challenge.  I like this challenge because it's do-able so it's not gonna scare me off.  I usually try to come in below these cals so as long as I stay away from the bad treats like chocolate and red wine I shouldn't struggle to keep below the sensible calorie target. 

So this feels achieveable, but sneakily it's helping me to commit to stay away from those naughty things entirely for the next two weeks...by making a conscious decision with a deadline it feels do-able, but it's also a set commitment.  Also, it's got me logging what I'm eating and checking calories and portions by weight...which I know a lot of people don't like to do.  I don't mind it, but I find it somewhat tedious.  It is a good thing to do periodically for me though I think because it's good to know you're being reasonably accurate with your guesstimates (which is how I usually work).  I'm also getting my water in, which I usually don't...in fact I've felt slightly dehydrated recently so this was a good thing for me to do to actually understand exactly how much water I should be drinking...it's not something I've done before as there isn't as much focus on recommended water intake here in the UK as there seems to be in the US.

I have my Slimming World weigh in tonight, but I know I've got a good couple of pounds off this week, so I'm pleased with that (after a couple of slow weeks I have to add). I'm aiming for another 4lbs off over this two week challenge to be entirely happy.

Another bright spot is that I've finally gotten back into some regular exercise...I was so slack in the last couple of months and it's only really last week that I feel like I've done enough to be even remotely satisfied...hence why I crashed and burned in the 'go-chica-go challenge'...I enrolled and then was never heard from again! 

I've started a Zumba class on Monday nights with a friend and last night was the second time we'd been.  The first week I had mixed feelings, but I enjoyed it far more last night as I was more familiar with the moves and could put a lot more ooomph into it...hence loads more sweating!

Wednesday is tennis night and it is very vigorous for the hour that we play...I end up very out of breath, sweaty and red faced so I know I'm doing something right... although i'll have to come up with a replacement activity this week as it's half term and the tennis is only on during term time.

Anyway it's all good this week for a change.  Motivation is up! Better go look after my family...my son has a scouts halloween party tonight and wants some help with his scary face paint!

Doin' the Double Dog Dare Ya Challenge...

This is perfect timing for me, so I'm Double Dog doin' it.  No social engagements on the horizon for the next two weeks to tempt me off my resolve, no excuses.  I'm on it! I've already given myself a target to lose at least 14lbs before Xmas (bearing in mind a two week trip to Australia will be coming before Xmas does, so I can't really rely on losing those two weeks although I am intending to try). 

I only saw this challenge today, but fortunately I had weighed myself this morning so I can report my start weight and I've been super good with my eating so no problems with the calorie limit for today...the only thing I have to catch up with is the 64oz of water requirement for the challenge which I first had to get home and find out how many mls or cups were in 64oz as I'm definately a metric girl when it comes to fluid measures...

Start weight 25th Oct: 181.2lb
140lb x 11 = 1540 cals per day max

I also started back doing a lot more exercise last week which has really helped to get my moods stabilised and obviously burn some more calories and help with the toning.  Gotta keep it up now that's all.

I hope everyone else is charged up to start the new week with lots of motivation to get some pounds off.  Have a good one...

Boobs

Hi girlies and boys...so lovely to see all you boobies having such a brilliant time.  So many of you managed to go...fabulous...I'm definately up for it next year...I don't care where it is I'm there.  I think it was just a little early in my journey to make the committment despite the fact that I really was already feeling a strong bond with you all.  Next year I'm so there!!!!! So glad you all had such a fun time!!!

First official Weigh In & Odds and Sods

Hi All,

Thip picture is utterly pointless...it's just darned funny.  It's the look in that cat's eyes...so human. 

I thought I'd update you all on my first week back with Slimming World (SW) which has gone well.  It's helped me to focus on the good habits I already know and get me back to meal planning and cooking from scratch which is really SO important!

I was really pleased when I hopped onto the scale and I'd lost 3 pounds this week and I can't say I was hungry at all...I just made better choices...WHO KNEW??  Kidding of course...we mostly all know what we SHOULD be doing, but the self discipline to follow it through is where we tend to fall down.  I know you can all appreciate how that happens.  I have No self-discipline...I usually need a man with a big spiky stick standing over me in order to get my ass into gear.

Also, I have a post in editing which is in response to an award I've received from two lovely blogger's and it's long overdue...which is very rude I know.  My excuses are that I've been so busy I seriously struggle to get any blogging time these days, especially in private...I don't like my family reading over my shoulder, especially whilst I'm trying to compose something meaningful and my work blogging time is virtually non-existant.

I've got a bit more time of being overly busy ahead, but I'm hoping to see the light at the end of the tunnel for a little while at least quite soon.

Until of course we receive an offer on our house and then it'll all kick up a notch again.

In answer to Barbara's question on my recent post regarding my farm purchase, render is a concrete-like substance that is sometimes put on the exterior of houses over brick or stone and then usually painted.  It goes on like plaster and is often used to cover cosmetically unattractive surfaces...we recently had it applied to our house as the brickwork was very chipped and badly done.  I imagine you have the same thing in the US but it obviously goes by another name.

Our house has yet to sell, so we've decided to push things along with a price reduction as now that we have the farm we really could do with the money to do the work on it! Fingers crossed that the new price has the right effect.

We've bought the Farm....te he

Hi guys,

Yes, all the paperwork has finally been processed the t's crossed and the i's dotted and we are totally and utterly 'skint'.  But yesterday, on the only bright day with a blue sky in the last two months, we completed on our derelict farm house.

As you can see it needs some work...well a lot of work.  It'll look a million times better by just knocking off the render as it's pretty old and is built of lovely stone.  I think the render was added to make it water tight at some stage.  It does need some redesign and is in a sorry state, but it is nestled in acres of green belt land which will never be built on and the view is just so lovely from any direction.  We have one near neighbour and there are other farms dotted about in the distance, but yet we're only 3 miles from the nearest town which is where we live now.

Now all we need is to sell our house...should be a piece of cake, um not.

Taking Control

Following on from my last post, you'll be happy to hear that I've gained control...I don't quite know how, but the out of control bit has settled down and I've decided to rejoin Slimming World after a break of almost a year.  I thought something more structured would help especially the support group and weekly weigh in aspect as I've lost my monthly surgery support group which has stopped running due to such low attendance rates.

The SW group meets on Tuesday evenings and from Monday I've felt as though I'm back in the saddle and not the demon of food and wine.  My appetite has been rediculous lately, I'm hungry an hour and a half after eating which isn't right, I suspect it's caused by my recent overeating and I'm sure it will settle down once I get myself used to more healthy eating patterns.  I'm not going to go in for a fill because I otherwise have very good restriction and really would not want to be any tighter.

I have found in the past that when I do lots of cooking from scratch using the healthy recipes from the SW magazines I am more successful...the difficulty is the time consuming nature of all this fabulous cooking and the fact that my youngest son has a real issue with many many types of food and I usually end up cooking two meals! I'm not going to think negatively though, it won't get me anywhere.

I've already lost a couple of pounds so I'm sure I'll be rewarded next Tuesday on the scale.

I know there will be those who will be wondering if I've told the group about my band...the answer is no.  Some people I'm sure will feel this is wrong, but I don't agree and here are my reasons:

a) This is a public class, open to anyone.  Ya pays your money, you get to do the programme...nowhere does it specify you must bear your soul to a room full of total strangers.

b) Each person is on their own journey and must do there own work to lose weight.  The programme works as long as you follow it and if people don't lose weight they normally know why.  My weight loss is always slow and steady (even with the band), so I won't be losing any faster than anyone else who sticks to the rules.

c) When others lose weight in class it is motivating and inspiring, not depressing and demoralising...that's the whole point of the 'support group' to motivate one another and be encouraged by the success of others, so if I am successful it should encourage rather than discourage others.  The fact that I have extra support in the form of a medical appetite suppresant is irrelevant and doesn't negatively effect anyone else in the group.  I won't be spouting on about how I do this and that and how easy it is...so no-one will think 'Why does she find it easy when I'm finding it hard?'...as if any kind of diet is easy anyway...even with the band!  I love chocolate, crisps and wine just as much as the next obese person and all those slide on down past the band with no trouble at all...so it still requires some self-discipline and will power to lose weight, if that weren't the case the band would have a MUCH higher success rate!

I know this probably came off as some kind of lecture or rant...it's just that over the months since I've been reading posts & blogs about banding I've read a lot of comments on how going to slimming classes with the band is cheating and somehow hurting others unless you tell them all up front...you may have guessed that I don't agree with this take on things... These classes are for anyone who needs to lose weight and are not a competition.  Everyone who is overweight struggles to lose it and we need to access whatever support we feel will help us. End of Lecture...P.S. I'm always happy for people to disagree with me as long as they are respectful of my opinion, so I'm stating my case, but not trying to shove it down your throat. :0)...would you like fries with that?

Catching up with you all

Hi Guys,

I hope all the BOOBS are having a wonderful time at this weekend...I wish I could be there. 

I haven't been keeping you all up to date with my progress because, to be honest there has been no progress of the scale variety...that is no-ones fault but my own i know...I have been behaving like a complete fool and eating in a way not conducive to weight loss.  The reason is mental and I can't seem to conquer the mental issues and refocus on losing weight.  I know I am finding it very difficult at the moment as I'm working longer hours, my eldest son has just started at an expensive private school and for the first time ever he has homework every night and expected to be responsible for himself.  To be completely honest with you he is a very bright boy...but he is a very lazy boy!  I spend every evening nagging him to start his homework and chasing him around to ensure he's ready for the next day along with all my regular jobs looking after my family, plus getting up an hour earlier to get my son on his school bus.  I know a lot of people seem to find this transition easy, but I tend to find all change difficult and stressful.  I honestly do feel a little out of control...

On the plus side, I do have to acknowledge the successes, mainly as a result of having the band and actually this proves the very reason that I decided the band was right for me...My recent pattern was to lose weight and then to gain weight...unfortunately the overall trend was up!!!  The battle was getting old!!!  The wonderful thing about having the band (although I am far from happy with what I see as my abuse of it!) is the fact that when I go through my 'mental' phases and overeat, I can maintain my weight rather than rapidly gaining.  This is due to the fact that I can not eat the same large quantities.  Also, I've been focusing on gradually increasing my exercise again, which had dropped off during the work I was putting in to get our house ready for the market.  It is hard to get back into doing the exercise again once you make the mistake of stopping...I actually felt scared to do it...like I didn't believe I could! So I've slowly stepped it up and I'm now doing something about 4 times a week.  I'm planning on adding in some exercise dvd's and also gym classes...I do love it once I'm doing it.

The other good thing that I've noticed is that by just maintaining this weight, and doing some exercise my body shape is actually to my surprise improving! I know that's weird, but I have purchased two new pairs of trousers for work which didn't fit me enough to start wearing and last Saturday night I actually wore a pair out...the tighter pair!!!! I hadn't lost any pounds and yet they were a waay better fit. 

I'm not being complacent, I know I'm letting myself down by not putting the effort in and I need to find a way to combat the mental challenges that come with losing weight...but it is nice to see that even by maintaining my weight I can improve my body if I keep up some exercise. My goal there is to get back to loving exercise as I once did when I was fit...and doing it every day...because I CAN. I'm lucky, I don't have as much to lose as some people so I have the luxury of being able to take the scenic route (just as well), but to be honest as I've gotten to know all of you guys, I feel that I'm dishonouring the effort that you are putting in, by not giving it my all.

That is why I've been too ashamed to confess my transgressions here on my blog...also, by confessing, it puts pressure on me to change...I can't confess and continue to fail, it's too pathetic.

I don't usually pray anymore...it's been several years since I prayed with any regularity...but today I prayed to God to ask Him to help me gain control of myself and my eating decisions...it actually helped I think even though I was sitting in the middle of an open plan office at the time so concentration was a little more effort.  I need to find the key to gaining better control over my subconscious in order to achieve my goals...it's really a big mental game we're all playing.

Wish me luck people as I wish it for you.  xx

Big School

I think I mentioned recently that my eldest child started high school yesterday.  It was a really big deal.  we'd agonised over what to do for the best and eventually decided to send him private which is costing a small fortune and takes him away from his primary school friendship groups.

We've changed our minds ten times over the last year about where to send him.  He's bright, but likes to be cool and I was worried based on my own high school experience that this could be a real road block.  He had to pass an entrance exam and an interview and was accepted into the best school in the area I believe and it seems such a positive place, that I feel really excited about what it can offer him and what it can do to develop the best side of him.

When he came home from his first day yesterday he was very very quiet and very very tired.  I think he was daunted by the newness, the size, the number of pupils and the expectations placed on them.  But he set off this morning for his first morning on the bus in a positive frame of mind and came home much more energetic and positive.  More prepared to describe his experiences at school.  I was a bit stunned by some things, but also pleased.  Manners are expected at this school!!! In fact a high value is placed on them??? Who'd have thought...teenagers with manners???  That makes me really happy. My son told me he thought he might have to get in quick at his next English lesson and apologise to his teacher for not tucking in his chair at the end of the lesson to pre-empt getting told off...also, he said his history teacher expected them to wait to be invited to sit down at the start of the lesson...I know this may sound a little drackonian...but in this day and age of teenagers with no sense of manners it is quite wonderful I think.  Also, they are expected to wear blazers at all times, except in lessons where they can hang them on the back of their chairs.  Raising galant young men I'd say!

He was desperate to attend the first rugby pre-season session tomorrow (Saturday) and I've spent the day running around trying to get his rugby boots (black) with kite marked safety studs! and his reversible games top which is imported from Pakistan and is delayed due to the highly inconvenient floods! I was fortunately able to convince him  that the top was unlikely now to arrive in time for next weeks session either and to not go based on it not being available was not a good plan and I'm pleased that his need to fit in has taken second place to his desire to take part...result!

It has been a pretty emotional week for me I have to admit and this morning when I saw him off on the bus for the first time did make me shed a tear.  He was so nervous and had no clue what to do as he'd never caught a bus in his memory...never mind on his own...also, he didn't want to be seen with me so I had to sit on a bench seat several feet from the bus stop and pretend not to know him....but it was all worth it once he was confidently seated on the bus and gave me a lovely smile from his seat. Aaawww, reminds me of Toy Story 3 which I streamed with tears through!

Okay, it's nearly 1am and I've just spent an hour trying to upload a fully uniformed photo from a bluetoothed zip file...wouldn't have a bloody clue...will add the photo when I get the idea...In the meantime I'm going to bed...I'm supposed to be at Rubgy by 9am and at swimming with my youngest by 10 am about a half hours distance appart...might have to envoke the spirit of the husband to take over the dual role post... that should work....Ihope you all have a joyous weekend...ours has definately picked up weather wise...just in time for the kids to go back to school...

Oooh Too Deep

I hope I didn't scare you guys off with my last post...it was very late at night...you know how that can be.

I do feel like I need to get some deeper meaning into my life...but I'm not sure at the moment whether this is a chemical thing that needs treating (I have suffered with depression in the past and took meds for a couple of years), or a life challenge that's missing.  Although having my own business was bloody hard and stressful, it was incredibly rewarding and I loved being my own boss and calling the shots and I was incredibly proud of what I'd achieved.  I think this could be why my work now just doesn't cut it.  It feels totally pointless...is this it? Is this why I get up  in the morning? To push paper for someone else? Obviously raising my boys is a very important focus, but the way I've been feeling, I ask myself 'am I raising my boys so that they too can run the treadmill of pointlessness? Wow it sounds gloomy inside my head doesn't it?

Lately I just can't be bothered to put myself out at work and really achieve to my potential...but that just so isn't me that I think that may be what's been making me unhappy...the trouble is now, I'm so much wiser as to the stress of being a business owner that I'd be very wary of doing something like that again.

My eldest starts high school tomorrow and my youngest is back at school next Wednesday.  I'm going to have a little plan to get some more exercise and keep busy in the evenings once things get back into a routine, that's the time that I find the most tricky and maybe I'll find that helps  Also, I'm going to have a think about what I could do career wise that I may find more rewarding. 

Anyway, thanks for listening.  I know it's not the most inspiring topic, but it helps to discuss these things. xx

The Meaning of Life

I've been following Chris's blog for a few months now ('A Deliberate Life') and I always find it to be thought provoking and very meaningful.  I don't know how she does it to be honest...she's busy, but she always finds the time to think and to share something of meaning...

Tonight I was catching up with the last weeks posts and I felt a great appreciation for her insights, but then when I read her most recent post and played the clip I found it really was timely for me in my life and it resonated also with our weight loss journeys.

Firstly her post was religious in nature...now I'm hideously cynical...especially around religious evangelism...do not come to my door preaching, or accost me in the street...I'll be polite always, and respect your views, but I have barriers erected to your message.  It's probably only that I have a lot of respect for Chris and her non-judgemental approach to life that I could lower my barriers so much.

I saw a man in the street this weekend with a huge sign saying basically 'the end is nigh' I walked the long way around him, even though in the back of my mind I agreed with his message that we should be ready and always live our lives as though the end was nigh, basically getting our priorities right and being the best human being we can be.

I was brought up as a strict Catholic.  I went to church every Sunday, I read at mass regularly and was involved in my parish.  It wasn't until I reached my 20's that I started to question the doctrines laid down and decided that many of the rules were arbitrarily laid down by an evolving church based on money and power across medieval times and someone who couldn't see into my heart was judging me by these very ridgid and often socially inappropriate rules.

It wasn't that I stopped believing in God, but I did feel that I just wasn't sure anymore what to believe in.

For years I haven't practiced any structured faith system. I've gotten along just fine, thank you very much.

But, for the last few years I've felt a hole...something is missing and I couldn't work out what it was. I had my  own business for a few years and that was great, but the stress was killing me so I sold it on.  Following that I was definately empty and nothing has materialised to fill that void.  Eventually I got a job to make me forget that I was empty...that has worked for a couple of years...kind of.  But lately I've been feeling sad.  Why?  I don't know.  I shouldn't be sad.  I have 'a great life'.  A wonderful husband, two wonderful boys, a job, a great house, two great cars, a farm house to do up.  All I could think of was ways to strive for more stuff....this must be it right???  No...it means nothing...it's all hollow and empty.  All the good stuff means nothing. My brain has been gradually coming to the realisation that all the physical stuff is worthless and our lives mean nothing if that's all we achieve.  I can't say I've yet decided what to do about these scary thoughts...in fact that's why I related them back to dieting and weight loss...We go to the doctor, we read the literature about the health risks of obesity, but we don't want to compute what this may mean to our lives...the discomfort of making changes...making sacrifices and making effort to change.  UUUuuuugggghhh.  That's just plain scary and it's a message we may not be ready or willing to hear.

I listened to the clip of the preacher that Chris had posted on her blog and tears were streaming unconsciously down my face.  I normally would block that kind of thing as extremist clap-trap. But this time I realised it was true.  We should feel passionate about our love of God and our love of our fellow man and our need to do right in the world.  Not luke-warm...but passionate.  This was uncomfortable stuff to hear...because I knew it was right and I had known it ever since I had my first son.  He was a tiny baby in my arms and I watched the footage of the famines in Africa...mothers unable to feed their own babies and I felt true guilt.  How could I sit there and watch that kind of suffering whilst I had money in the bank and do nothing.  It was just plain wrong!  It's wrong whether you believe in God or not...we should have passion for other human beings.

The clip said that 'God is not a yuppie accessory' He's not something to add to your already perfect life once you have the right house, car and job...those things are meaningless.

I'm not saying I'm going to ditch those things and become a missionary...heck by next Sunday I'll probably have managed to push those uncomfortable thoughts aside in my busy day...but it made me think today...and it added to the thought I had yesterday.  I even had a discussion with a colleague at work about how we can make our lives more meaningful just last week.  The fact is at the moment, I'm just not ready to make any real changes to my life. I'm still in the denial stage...like the people who go to see their doctor complaining about their weight, but full of excuses about why they can't possibly do anything to change it...food for thought.

185

Well...I needed to share with you that I've seen a new low on the scale this morning...it's all good. I'm now 8lbs from the lowest weight I got to with Slimming World at least three years ago...so that's definately going to be a significant milestone for me when I get there. :0)

I get so much out of this

I just wanted to say how much I get out of this experience of blogging.  It's so inclusive and open which in the real world is very rare.  I am very open and honest in my relationships, I often speak before I think because I'm honest and up front and sometimes I don't think about how what I say may be perceived by the more strategically aware folks and many times I feel this leads to my being judged by others. 

Here all I feel is supported and embraced.  I love that.  We all have certain common ground where we can come together and share our secret lives, that which we usually cover up with a veil of publicly acceptable veneer.  No-one really wants to hear that you are going slowly mad when they politely ask 'How are you?'

I just wanted to let you all know that the time you spend reading and commenting on my blog means a lot to me and has a really positive impact on my daily life...sometimes we don't let people know enough how much their input means to us.  So, thanks guys. xx

WOW...I got an award...so exciting.

Thanks to Kerri from Just Me and My Band for this lovely, thoughtful award. It's my very first one so I'm pretty impressed.

Here are the rules for this award:

1.Thank the person giving the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Nominate 15 newly discovered blogs.
4. Let your nominees know about the award.

1. I was born in Papua New Guinea and lived there till I was around 4 years old. I’ve never even been back for a visit...it’s definitely on my ‘bucket list’.

2. I have two little boys, one 9 and one 11 just starting high school in September...they are both completely different and both completely wonderful.

3. My father is an alcoholic who no longer drinks...he gave up about 9 years ago, but it definitely defined my childhood...a post for another time.

4. I am the eldest of three sisters.

5. Last year my middle sisters youngest son was run over and has lost the sight in one eye. :0( He’s adjusted better than his poor mum.

6. We’re just in the process of purchasing a dilapidated farm house on 20 acres and will have our hands full making it some kind of home over the next year or two. We should complete on it this month...fingers crossed.

7. I’m going back to Australia for a two week visit on my own in November to spend time with my family. We can’t afford to all go unfortunately this year, but I haven’t seen my family since the accident last year and it’s well overdue. Can’t wait to see my niece and nephews and my lovely sisters and mum and dad too. Miss them. :0(

I am passing on this award to the following 15 amazing bloggers...I'm not sticking entirely to the rules as they're not necessaril 'new' blogs, but I'm picking some of the bloggers that have inspired me on some level. Hope that's okay.

1. Yvonne, My Journey Back to Life She's done so well with her band and has just had a baby and is now trying to get her bandit mojo back and get back into her journey. 
2. Barbara, My New Life Rules!! A great person who always puts so much support out there for everyone
3. TracyZ, One Foodie's Band Quest Tracy's a really supportive blogger who shares a lot about herself in a very generous way.
4.Sandy-Lee, The Weightloss Rollercoaster Sandy's super suportive and has done some great posts recently that I think many can relate to.
5.Sally, Sally's Lapband Journey Sally's two years out and is at goal now and maintaining. She's a great example of a successful bandster and gives lots of good advice on how she got there and perhaps even more important...how she stays there.
6.A-Z, Words of Weight A new bandster and a new blogger. I love her take on things, I could really relate to what she was saying and her last post made me smile.
7.Sherry, Two Sticks or a Lighter Sherry needs an award for her blog title alone. I only just found out exactly what it means...'weightloss surgery is like giving someone a lighter instead of two sticks to rub together' beautiful! Plus she's a witty, insightful and entertaining writer.
8.Lori, Journey to Embrace A straight talking common sense girl who is really supportive.
9.Alison Alison's Banded Adventures Always offering support, thanks Alison
10.Amanda, Deep Fried Pandaisms Really glad you've got your date! Whoop Whoop
11. Cheeseburger Girl, Can't resist that title...& the 'check out these buns' te he he.
12.Work in Progress  Gives loads of support to others.
13.Gilly, Something, Something, Something Fat Chick Irreverently funny, witty and clever...what more can I say?
14. Grace, Grace's Fat Chance Full of empathy and support for others, a good writer who shares of herself fully.
15.Ameyinidaho, Does This Donut Make My Butt Look Big? Amy shares tons of good stuff about herself and it makes a rip-roaring read. She's also very supportive to her bloggy buddies.

There are so many great supportive bloggers out there who I really enjoy getting to know...I really could have given each and every one of you guys an award.

Keeping on track

Feeling pretty good today. I really can't get much down early in the day, which is fine, I'm not fighting it.  My weight is slowly dropping on the scales and that's a great reward. 

I'm happy eating really small portions and I'm listening to my appetite more which is what I was hoping to achieve and learning to take things much slower.  A very small amount on the fork and then chewing much more thoroughly than I was.

I'm also finding catching up on blogs of an evening is distracting me really well from any snacking or any feelings of dissatisfaction. I'm pretty hormonal at the moment so my state of mind leans toward the grumpy, argumentative, glass half empty at these times so the distraction is really really welcome.  Can't wait to get past it and move on.

Can I just add that the weather here is super-shitty and cold as hell and raining non-F***ing stop...it's July for goodness sake!!! Were's my frickin' sunshine a**hat???  Did I mention I was hormonal?

I'm currently locked out of CareBear Land for using bad language...

Reporting in following my recent fill...

Hi guys,

I've been so busy trying to catch up on everyone's blogs that I haven't really allowed time to keep in touch with you...I've never fully caught up since my holiday, but I refuse to mark any as read that I haven't actually read in case I miss something crucial...of course along the way people give shout outs to new blogs that I simply have to check out and then they are alway so good I have to follow them...you see the mess I'm getting into.  Don't worry...I'm finally winning the war and last night when I came home all fed up and bored and wished I could gorge myself or drink a bottle of wine as a pick me up I read blogs instead and it wasn't too long before I was feeling full of the joys of Spring. Thanks for that.

I recently had a fill as you may remember...this was the fill which was supposed to turn my attitude around, give me a kick in the pants and get me back on track.  Well it has worked pretty well. I'm feeling pretty motivated at the moment. The fill is SUPER-TIGHT...which I like. I need it as a less obtrusive wired-jaw type device at the moment. I know, sounds bad.  I know many of you would just hate that, but I just really feel I need it at the moment.  I can explain it as being like a reverse Pavlovian response.  Remember the episode of the Simpsons where Lisa sets up a school experiment where she wires up a cupcake to an electric circuit so the every time Bart tries to take it he gets an electric shock?

 I'm a bit like Bart at the moment and I believe this fill will help me change that.  I don't know what it is but because I don't feel restricted unless I actually eat...I just seem to forget that I have it.    I'm trying to make my eating much more conscious and believe me being tight helps me do that.   I need to learn to automatically dish out smaller portions, automatically stop trying to eat foods like bread that I just can't eat. It takes a long, long treck to change the habits of a life-time and my subconscious can't yet quite accept that things have changed...Get used to it brain!

I really needed to kick that interminable plateau.  I eat for enjoyment a lot of the time and was often eating because something looked pretty tasty rather than because I was hungry, (Gee why was I stuck in a plateau?).  Well now eating is such a chore that I may soon get the hint that IT ISN'T A PLEASURE, SO DON'T BOTHER UNLESS YOU'RE FREAKIN' HUNGRY! Also I fill up so quickly now that I'm actually learning NOT TO PICK WHILST I PREPARE THE FOOD, because otherwise I'm already full before I put any on the plate.  If I can make these good behaviours habits and stop constantly thinking of food when I'm not hungry then I won't even need to be so tight forever.

My long-term plan is to lose the weight whilst I gradually make exercise a regular part of my life, (better get back onto that bit) and then once I'm where I want to be, loosen off the restriction a bit so that I don't get stuck and pb, but that my portion needs are still very reduced. This will mean a very normal life and maintenance for always.  Of course I'll have to monitor my weight and make the odd correction, but it should be so much easier.

I think a big part of my inability to remotivate following my holiday was caused by missing my support group in June and that always sent me away motivated. July was the last support group though as the group was poorly attended so they decided to do an online one instead.  I had a think about what this would mean for me and since I have a years aftercare included in my package I asked if I could come in monthly to weigh in and have a chat.  The NP said of course and made me an appointment for August.  I wish I'd thought of that before because I think that type of contact with the hospital and accountability makes me much more motivated than if I do it all myself from home.  I now have in my mind that appointment date as a mini-goal to try and impress her with my progress.  I'm not going to set an amount to lose as this actually increases my self-sabotaging behaviour...I'm a psychological minefield aren't I???

Anyway the kids have started their summer holidays now and I don't have anymore social events coming up to trip me up, or holidays away (I don't count camping in a tent), so I'm really planning to make a bit of a dent in the weight loss this month and when the kids start back at school I want my clothes to feel that bit looser. 7lbs for August'd be nice. Yeah...I think SO! Happy Hump Day everyone! xx

Just a quick one...trying to avert some emotional hunger pangs **Edited**

Hi Guys,

I've just arrived at work...I'm all on my own as the rest of my team is either on hols or out of the office...I've had a row with my hubby and am feeling pretty down and now all I want to do is fill the emotional void with snack food...Luckily I have nothing with me but soup and slimfast...still on my post fill liquids.

I decided the best thing to do was to get on here and post it out there so I would feel that at least you guys know how I feel even if no-one else does.  I tend to need to verbalise...

I have had a nice text from hubby, but sometimes the damage is already done in terms of my low mood...but reading your comments from yesterday has already helped and I'm starting to feel a bit more positive and supported.  Now I'm going to get on google reader and catch up for 20mins or so.  That should have sorted me out before the lunch lady comes shouting her wares and presenting temptation in weak moments...I know I won't succumb...I saw my lowest number yet this morning (188.6) and I don't want to compromise that. 

Thanks for listening. xx

**Go Me...We have a new Starbucks which has opened up in our building and staff keep wandering around our office with free samples of various fattening stuff...I just said NO!! to something yummy looking which appeared to have soft-serve ice cream poking out the top of the cup...I didn't even let the girl with the tray get close enough to see what it was, I just smiled and shook my head...OMG...I have nerves of steel...sometimes.  There is hope for me yet! Feeling way better now...xx

Born Again...

Hi to all my banded buddies...and any as yet to be banded alike.  I have now been reborn as a newly formed bandster who is going to get that scale moving again.  Enough already with the stagnation that I've allowed to take hold since my now distantly remembered holiday!

As I mentioned a few posts ago I had made an appointment for another fill, which I had on Sunday.  The fill wasn't strictly medically necessary truth be told, but I needed it for my brain! I have 12 months of inclusive aftercare, so I figured that even if I then decided I was too tight and went back for a slight defill later the extra face time at the hospital was going to be a real motivator to keep me going in the right direction. I've recently not only been overeating, but also not exercising and so it really only was a matter of time before the scale became upwardly mobile...in fact I think that I was actually starting to lose muscle and gain fat (hence the scale staying stable, but my jeans feeling snugger!).

I am including a picture here that I took just now (had to lie down on the kitchen floor to accomplish it as I couldn't see what I was taking it of and my hand and camera were blocking the light...the lengths I'll go to to get a little sympathy).  I mentioned after my last fill that my port had moved and tilted and the surgeon struggled to get the adjustment done, but with his experience he knew what he was feeling for and it didn't take him very long to do it...I'd forgotten that and this time I had the nurse, who try as she might was unable to locate the port and tilt it in the correct direction. After much struggling and a change of needle she called in the surgeon and he had to do it. Mostly it wasn't too painful, but there were a few periods where it did hurt and sting quite a bit and I was relieved when it was all over and more than a bit tender for the rest of the day!

Anyway without further ado...

Nice isn't it???? You can even see my lovely little tummy button scar from my surgery. Cute hey? Sorry about the minging black sticking plaster mark I'll have to get some cream or oil onto it to get it off...I have showered honestly! Oh..Hold the phone...I just managed to scratch it off...caused I believe by my brown linen trouser fluff sticking to the glue residue according to my deductive reasoning...not much gets past me!

The surgeon said to the nurse...'This is one of those non-sutured ports...we've had a couple of these' hmmm, not sure I'm thrilled with that, but as long as they can access it that's what counts right?

(Wow, that really took some doing to get this photo loaded up too...my iPhone is playing up and I had to bluetooth it to the laptop using an iPhone app, then Blogger couldn't open the file, so I had to upload it to Snapfish and then copy it back to my laptop!!! At least I managed it though it's the first time in months I've worked out a way of getting my photo's off my phone...somewhat laborious though...this things going back to the shop just as soon as I have a spare two and a half hours to do it in.)

I'm sticking to liquids now for a few days and then mushies.  I've been pretty good, with about 800 cals yesterday and I'd had two cappuccino's (with skim milk) by 1 o'clock today, then a can of mushroom soup and a slimfast shake...then it went slightly wrong as I felt really flat (I think from the low cals) and the headhunger kicked in about 4:30 and I did then consume about 300 or so non-liquid cals! Not a calorie disaster as I'm now done for the day, but I felt like a guilty binger none the less.  'Bless me Father, for I have sinned' that's how I feel...I give myself a MUST TRY HARDER mark on my report and a do-over.

Wish me a bit of extra will power as I'm obviously running a bit short...